... Thats the way it was. Happened so naturally, i did not know it was love.
It's been a long time since i've posted on here.
I feel like this has been a really difficult year but at the same time i am really happy and so much has changed in my life.
where do i even start...
My nana is still poorly, she's in a home as we couldn't cope anyway (not sure if I've already told you that). It's been difficult but it was the only option we had. She's still a fighter though, which is something i don't think i could do, i would have given up by now.
Mums now owner of the bakery. She decided that it was the best thing to do and i think she's happy to have it but obviously dad's moaning as per! And we moved into a little village into a gorgeous house, which i love going home to!
University is going well. In my final year now (time has flownnnn by)! and obviously there is sooo much work but gotta be done! Graduate next June which, is such a scary thought as god knows what i'm gonna do but well see! Andddddd i am now a special constable in South Yorkshire Police :D This has been the highlight of my year as things haven't gone my way with home, friends, relationships etc but I've tried really hard for this. All my training has gone well up to now and i've been let out on the streets! - i know scary thought right? Going back to training next sunday though which is going to be super boring again! Met some lovely people though :)
Speaking of lovely people... I know all of this blog has basically been me moaning about my relationships and heres another one ;)
I met a guy called Dan about a month ago now and gosh, he's changed me these past few weeks. I met him on duty as he is also a Special. It was a shitty rainy day and i didn't really think anything of it at first, as he said he had a girlfriend and we all were just having a bit of banter in the van - hiding from the rain! But he emailed on Facebook and as they say 'the rest is history.'
Butttt... a massive drawback is that.. he is engaged. Yes engaged. Yes i know.. I shouldn't be doing this and i shouldn't even think about doing it but i swear if i could stop myself i would...
He's been with her for just over 2 years i think, they have a house together, a mortgage, joint bank accounts, a life together and this is sooo hard for me. I don't get myself into the easiest of situations do i?
I don't know what it is about him. I knew he had a girlfriend (fiancé) and i was so adamant that i wasn't going to get involved but it just happened and i couldn't control it. He's cheeky, cocky, sweet, mean, charming, gorgeous, makes me laugh, makes me smile no end. At first we were just meeting up casually, and then came to mine and you know.. things happen. But i know it sounds bad but I've completely and utterly fallen in love with him..
I love everything about him. I love how he bullies me sometimes in a jokey way, i love what he says to me, i love how he knows everything about me, i love how he hugs me. Gosh i love him to pieces and i just don't know how to handle it.. He been to mine these past few days as he's had some time of work and i've loved every minute of it and today he asked me how i felt about my ex (Jaime) and that i would find somebody again who i felt that way about.. and i have. I've found him. I can't get him out of my head and even writing this is getting me so emotional because i am really struggling, if i'm totally honest. He makes me so happy and I'm really glad that i've met him but i know this is gonna end.
I feel terrible everyday for his fiancé and i feel terrible that she doesn't know, and that we're doing this behind her back. I don't even know her, but what i do know is she's extremely lucky to have him in her life and to be able to spend the rest of her life with him.
It just worries me.. i don't want to go back to how i was before (with the jaime situation) if this ends. He went away for a week, and i missed him soo much and if he isn't in my life anyway then i just don't know.
I know I'm a lot stronger person than i was back then and i do feel like I'm so such stronger and that i can handle with just about anything but he's like my best friend, a part of me that i don't wanna lose. But there is only one end to this and i know I'm gonna end up been heartbroken :( I'm just trying to enjoy the time i have with him.
Plus side though, he makes me extremely happy and i love that i have in my life at the moment. I go to bed with a smile on my face and i wake up with a smile only face.. always thinking about him and his cheeky little grin.
Well, got university at 9.. actually have to do something as feel like i have done nothing all week! Then heading to London with the family tomorrow afternoon :)
I'll keep you updated.
You filled my heart with a kiss.. you gave me freedom.
Thursday, 17 October 2013
Monday, 13 February 2012
Sunday, 22 January 2012
The hole that still remains in my heart.
It's so difficult
Its been a year and a half or probably more since we split up and its so so hard.
I loved him so much. So much that i could easily see myself at 16 spending the rest of my life with him and now its all just gone and its too late.
I just can't see myself with somebody else. It's been this long and i haven't found somebody else, where as he replaced me like straight away.
Everytime i kiss him, even now it completely takes my breath away and it's like an out of this world experience. I miss him so much, i can't even say how much and now somebody else has him.
Maybe i shouldn't see him, text him, think about him,, but i don't think i can tell you one day that i haven't thought about him, even when i've been so mad at him, i never realised how one person can make you feel like this.
I shouldn't have let go, i should have kept on trying whatever it ended up doing to me.
& to top it all off, valentines day is in like 3 weeks.
It hurts so much
I loved him so much, so much that i could see myself spending the rest of my life with him and now its all gone and its too late and i'm the one that's left loving somebody that isn't even in my life anymore.
Forever & Always
Its been a year and a half or probably more since we split up and its so so hard.
I loved him so much. So much that i could easily see myself at 16 spending the rest of my life with him and now its all just gone and its too late.
I just can't see myself with somebody else. It's been this long and i haven't found somebody else, where as he replaced me like straight away.
Everytime i kiss him, even now it completely takes my breath away and it's like an out of this world experience. I miss him so much, i can't even say how much and now somebody else has him.
Maybe i shouldn't see him, text him, think about him,, but i don't think i can tell you one day that i haven't thought about him, even when i've been so mad at him, i never realised how one person can make you feel like this.
I shouldn't have let go, i should have kept on trying whatever it ended up doing to me.
& to top it all off, valentines day is in like 3 weeks.
It hurts so much
I loved him so much, so much that i could see myself spending the rest of my life with him and now its all gone and its too late and i'm the one that's left loving somebody that isn't even in my life anymore.
Forever & Always
Friday, 20 January 2012
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Wow.. been a long time since i wrote a post and let me tell you, a hell of a lot has happened!
Im now at university at Sheffield. Loving it. I do miss been at home but i'm loving the independence. Got this strange man in my flat though, hes from irak and hes so annoying!
Just had a lovely holiday in Egypt :) I wouldnt go back i don't think as the men are totally creepy! They offered my mum 100 camels for me.. i mean, who would seriously want 1 camel never mind 100? definitely getting a pink wig next time i go to a strange country ha
No boys on the moment.. seriously dont have the energy. I was seeing this joe from uni. Hes from manchester but gosh he was hard work. Definitely only wants one thing! Still obsessed with one tree hill as usual ;) sort of bought like every series and my sister got me the new one for xmas!
Well, im off to go and watch one, il hopefully keep you updated! xxxx
Im now at university at Sheffield. Loving it. I do miss been at home but i'm loving the independence. Got this strange man in my flat though, hes from irak and hes so annoying!
Just had a lovely holiday in Egypt :) I wouldnt go back i don't think as the men are totally creepy! They offered my mum 100 camels for me.. i mean, who would seriously want 1 camel never mind 100? definitely getting a pink wig next time i go to a strange country ha
No boys on the moment.. seriously dont have the energy. I was seeing this joe from uni. Hes from manchester but gosh he was hard work. Definitely only wants one thing! Still obsessed with one tree hill as usual ;) sort of bought like every series and my sister got me the new one for xmas!
Well, im off to go and watch one, il hopefully keep you updated! xxxx
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Sucks to be me right now.
Well, where do i start.
I've just watched a film and you know what they do to me! disastrous! It got me thinking, as always, and i felt like i should be updating this.
1st june - my 18th. Had an absolutely amazing birthday, I'm so lucky to have the family i do, would not change them for the world.
11th june - my 18th party. Amazing night, some people didn't turn up which upset me but the people that did where the people that mean the most to me and they all had a good night which I'm glad about :) I was super drunk mind but i guess I'm allowed :D
I was just reading the last post i wrote, Matt turned out to be a total waste of energy. That wednesday i went round to his, it was great, i had a really good night and several nights after but i knew that when his ex got back from uni, he would just sack me off and guess what he did - even after i spoke to him about it. He hasn't spoken to me since she's been back. Ahh well - used again.
Every single day i think about Jaime, i wish it would just GO AWAY! I don't want to think about him, i don't want to think about what him and his girlfriend are doing and how fucking happy they are. I hate it when i think about it, i try to stop - makes me do it more. Maybe i over think things but everything i do makes me think of him. Makes me mad. I guess it's just me been me but i always hope he's okay. i see his family still and sometimes ask emily if everyones okay. I do miss his family. It's hard watching my friends be happy. I guess i'm just jealous.
All my lots gone to tenerife this week - i wasn't allowed to go :| Bloody wish i had just ignored my mum and gone to be honest! Ashleigh went to NewZealand a few weeks ago and it was good! had a good laugh with everyone and i didnt have to think about her and what she would do to make a shit night. She does my head in - Shes back today and for god sake.. go back why dont you! If she starts telling me about newzealand, i'll just tell her to shut up - anyway i guess i wont be seeing charlotte and megan now!
I don't know what im doing with my life anymore, haven't got the slightly clue! Some people are so happy and so figured out.
Maybe i should start on the tablets again, even though they never work last time.
Well im going to cry myself to sleep again.
Goodnight x
I've just watched a film and you know what they do to me! disastrous! It got me thinking, as always, and i felt like i should be updating this.
1st june - my 18th. Had an absolutely amazing birthday, I'm so lucky to have the family i do, would not change them for the world.
11th june - my 18th party. Amazing night, some people didn't turn up which upset me but the people that did where the people that mean the most to me and they all had a good night which I'm glad about :) I was super drunk mind but i guess I'm allowed :D
I was just reading the last post i wrote, Matt turned out to be a total waste of energy. That wednesday i went round to his, it was great, i had a really good night and several nights after but i knew that when his ex got back from uni, he would just sack me off and guess what he did - even after i spoke to him about it. He hasn't spoken to me since she's been back. Ahh well - used again.
Every single day i think about Jaime, i wish it would just GO AWAY! I don't want to think about him, i don't want to think about what him and his girlfriend are doing and how fucking happy they are. I hate it when i think about it, i try to stop - makes me do it more. Maybe i over think things but everything i do makes me think of him. Makes me mad. I guess it's just me been me but i always hope he's okay. i see his family still and sometimes ask emily if everyones okay. I do miss his family. It's hard watching my friends be happy. I guess i'm just jealous.
All my lots gone to tenerife this week - i wasn't allowed to go :| Bloody wish i had just ignored my mum and gone to be honest! Ashleigh went to NewZealand a few weeks ago and it was good! had a good laugh with everyone and i didnt have to think about her and what she would do to make a shit night. She does my head in - Shes back today and for god sake.. go back why dont you! If she starts telling me about newzealand, i'll just tell her to shut up - anyway i guess i wont be seeing charlotte and megan now!
I don't know what im doing with my life anymore, haven't got the slightly clue! Some people are so happy and so figured out.
Maybe i should start on the tablets again, even though they never work last time.
Well im going to cry myself to sleep again.
Goodnight x
Monday, 2 May 2011
Happy :).. Finally!
Well... it's been two very eventful weeks!
Easter holidays have been jam packed with mostly drunken nights!
Been out like every weekend, every night.. i love it :)
Most importantly.. I am really happy.
I met someone just over a week ago and he's called Matt.
He is SO lovely! I've met him quite a few times and he makes me laugh so much! We have such a laugh together. I met him at megans on the friday night and then i saw him in Hooters on the Sunday.. i was apparently stood outside the mens toilets which is just embarassing! ha..
I'm also going to his on wednesday which I'm a little scared about! I like him and 1) I'm gonna have to meet his parents! and 2) I do NOT wanna mess it up ha.. We're having a 'movie night' and lets face it.. everyone knows where that ends up!
Sixth form again tomorrow, I'll let you know how wednesday goes :)
Over and out!
Easter holidays have been jam packed with mostly drunken nights!
Been out like every weekend, every night.. i love it :)
Most importantly.. I am really happy.
I met someone just over a week ago and he's called Matt.
He is SO lovely! I've met him quite a few times and he makes me laugh so much! We have such a laugh together. I met him at megans on the friday night and then i saw him in Hooters on the Sunday.. i was apparently stood outside the mens toilets which is just embarassing! ha..
I'm also going to his on wednesday which I'm a little scared about! I like him and 1) I'm gonna have to meet his parents! and 2) I do NOT wanna mess it up ha.. We're having a 'movie night' and lets face it.. everyone knows where that ends up!
Sixth form again tomorrow, I'll let you know how wednesday goes :)
Over and out!
Monday, 18 April 2011
:|
Been a bit of a strange couple of weeks :|
Got accused of sleeping with Jaime from Jasmine, yeah it may be true but she can stop getting cocky. Stupid little girl.
I really miss him :( He was at school on thursday i think it was and it makes me feel shit every time i see him with her. I feel really lonely at the moment :\ just because i don't live in Driff, i have to make the effort all the time with everyone. I bet i hardly see people these holidays.
Nanas getting worse, i think she'll end up in hospital soon.
Nan nan's always pissed. No surprise there.
My cars getting taken away! That knob who hit my car outside shop wont pay for it now so we had to go through insurance. Their taking it away and sending me a hire car. Oh jeesss.
And, we're still in the same situation we've been in for the past 7 years. Getting totally boring now and it's really pissing me off.
Humph :(
"You've got that smile that only heaven can make, i pray to god everyday that you be mine forever.
You are the only thing that i need right now."
Got accused of sleeping with Jaime from Jasmine, yeah it may be true but she can stop getting cocky. Stupid little girl.
I really miss him :( He was at school on thursday i think it was and it makes me feel shit every time i see him with her. I feel really lonely at the moment :\ just because i don't live in Driff, i have to make the effort all the time with everyone. I bet i hardly see people these holidays.
Nanas getting worse, i think she'll end up in hospital soon.
Nan nan's always pissed. No surprise there.
My cars getting taken away! That knob who hit my car outside shop wont pay for it now so we had to go through insurance. Their taking it away and sending me a hire car. Oh jeesss.
And, we're still in the same situation we've been in for the past 7 years. Getting totally boring now and it's really pissing me off.
Humph :(
"You've got that smile that only heaven can make, i pray to god everyday that you be mine forever.
You are the only thing that i need right now."
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