Why can't i let people in?

I always do this. I always get close to someone and i don't let them in. Seriously, what is up with that!?
Sam is proper lovely but i seem to find it so difficult to let people in - i want to let him in. i really like him yet all i seem to do is push people away? We get on so well and then i want something to happen with us and i go all sentimental on him and on us? urgh.
He asked me today if i still loved jaime and i didnt really know what to say. I just told him that i would always love him and he didn't look very happy about that. I dont want to love him. I don't want him in my life and Sam said he was very different from him. I want someone different from him, i'm just scared of getting hurt.

hmmm sometimes i think people must think i'm so weird. I'd rather talk to myself and a computer screen, which no-one is reading i dont think than let people in? wow.

Life in a glass house

.. and i smash every window.

Been watching season one of OTH tonight and it makes me soo depressed!
i want a lucas scott please.
That will be all.

Why do i do it to myself?

That is the question!

I went on Jaimes facebook earlier... not a very good move! Then i ended up bloody texting him asking him if he was single (his facebook stated this) which then started an argument. Nice one.
I'm rather pissed off with myself today. Been watching season 1 of OTH and it always gets me thinking about stuff i shouldn't be thinking off! Damn Lucas Scott. P.S he is soooo beautiful! I would like a copy of him in a younger version for a boyfriend please? or just him... either way!
I have like VERY little battery left, and i mean a TINY moment. 6% if I'm honest so this is only a short rant!

If i only i could find a gorgeous, non-nobhead, great personality boyfriend, that would be fine! - ha if he exists.

On the first page of our story..

That future seemed so bright.

Today's been a better day. Lunchtime, me ash and meg had a good laugh and we decided to go out for tea. Was the funniest night i've had in a while! I am soooo full it's unreal.
I seem to be okay at school and as soon as i get home, i would just rather be on my own and in my room. Fourth tablet today, i don't really feel any different but i suppose they won't have started to work as yet!
I didn't see Jaime today either. He wasn't at school or anything and his car was at his house, so he must of gone to work - surprise surprise.
Just a quick post today as Big fat gypsy weddings is on at 9! absolute gold.

I still can't imagine me without you.

'Letting go and Moving on' - Possible?

I'm a little new to this and don't quite know what I'm doing as yet!

It's been nearly 5 months now since we split up and I'm still in the same mess I was in then. He's had four girlfriends (one was made up but at the beginning, i still felt my heart drop).
I'm feeling really down at the moment but i don't really know who to talk to, thats one of the reasons why I'm writing this. A chance to get all my feelings down and maybe it might help?
Ever since i lost him, i've gone really down hill and i have no idea what to do. People have been noticing but i just put a smile on my face and get on with it.
I went to the doctors on friday. He ended up giving me anti-depressants which i feel so stupid about. I mean how sad is that? I'm fine.. thats what i always say and usually i will be, just gotta get on with it don't you.
I'm seeing Jaime everyday at the moment. He's got this 15 year old girlfriend and he's always at school at lunchtimes and after school. I have no idea why he's not at work? that used to do my head in.
I know that he treated me really bad for the past year but all i can think about and imagine is all the things he did for me. Valentines day 2008 was absolutely perfect, i've never been so happy and gosh, i loved him so much! So much has changed in 2 years.
Our anniversary date is always a hard one. 27th April 2010 was bad enough. We weren't talking, we had 'split up' but i had a feeling we would get through it and get back together. This year's just going to be awful.
I know full well that i should of done things differently and that i should have tried harder but i make alot of mistakes in my life... i guess its what i do.
I'm always going to love you.


I absolutely hate living here. Druggies and drunks outside. If killing was legal, i wouldn't even hesitate. PLUS, we have druggies next door, which find it necessary to have their music on full blast ALL night! and I'm not even over-exaggerating - the council are useless. Police are useless.
Finally a decision has been made regarding Australia. Dad's going back on 21st Feb and we're supposed to be going back in July. I do want to go back but i never know if what we are doing is going to be the right decision or another mistake? I don't think Gem wants to go back but it could be a new start for all of us?
Mum's thinking about letting Ian buy the shop which I'm not really happy about. I mean, what if it doesn't work out and we end up coming back? We're going to have nothing. And it's a FAMILY business. If it was mine, i wouldn't like it.
I suppose to my Nan Nan, it's just another burden. Another excuse to drink. I'm absolutely sick of him drinking. He's killing himself and he can't even see it. What's my Nana going to do is she doesn't have him? She's bad enough now, shouting for him every five minutes without not having him at all.
She's not very well at the moment. She has to go into hospital really to get better but there not very nice and i know she doesn't like it. Last time, she got distressed and they had to sedate her. :| Nothings ever simple is it?
Sometimes i find it really hard. I go up to see her nearly every day and i get so moody because i just get irritable around her. I wish she would just stand up and walk around the house, go to the toilet by herself and do things for herself!! People say there's a God? I doubt that very much. My Nana has never done anything wrong, she's lovely, she would help everybody and hurt nobody yet she's like she is!? I'd like somebody to tell me why she deserves that!?...
Sometimes, i wish she would close her eyes and go to sleep forever. I hate to see her suffering but she's fighter. She's always been a fighter. I love her to pieces.

Well, I'm shattered so I'm off to bed.
Another day. Another smile.