A kiss to beat a heart on

Quick update:
- Friday I went to yipps with my mum and her friends, was a good laugh!
- Saturday, i stayed in funnily enough.. boring.com!
- Sunday, went to york and spent the cash!
- Monday.. WESTLIFE, you know how much of a hardcore fan i am! They were great as always. Not that much of a fan of the 'mine and jaime song' but meh, i still love them!
- Tuesday... wow, its been a strange day today. Apparently, I've slept with Tom. First thing i've heard of it. So i went up to charlie (toms ex) and told her that it definitely isn't true. I would tell her if it was and it isn't, at all.
Plus, it was meant to be the night that i really liked sam so i wouldnt, you know.
I have no idea what's happening there. Im kind of getting a bit bored. Singles just getting boring and i need some excitement in my life! But i don't think we're going anywhere so I'm not gonna push it.
Well, I've got my english essay to finish, the joys of A levels.

Little me in a big city.

Woahhh, haven't had chance to write this all week! What a manic week.
Went to Newcastle Uni on wednesday and really liked it :) We had like a mini lecture about english language and about what to expect and stuff from the course and I was actually quite surprised. Most of what I will be doing is what i've already learnt but obviously harder and more advanced. He did the mini lecture on Language Acquisition and that's what I've been doing for my coursework - which, may i just say, is slowly killing me. It has to be in tomorrow and WHAT A NIGHTMARE! I haven't even attempted my year 12 resit which I should be doing because i have no idea how I'm going to change it when Miss Lockwood is just a knob and won't help me anyway. Don't get me started on her, she's just a waste of a human being.
Anyway, Newcastle was really nice but massive! And I've started looking at my application for accommodation online! I aren't really fussed where i live, it just has to be clean and i ned my own bathroom! There isn't a chance I'm sharing a bathroom and toilet with someone i don't know! So that's going to be my first choice and my second choice I'm not sure about. I was thinking leeds but then they changed my course and then i though sheffield but again, it's still far away and the grades are still steep. So i think I'll be going for Hull. It's scarborough campus and i won't have to pay for accommodation ... plus, i get to keep my car - well a car as I'm getting rid of the c3! Decision, decisions!
Having my hair highlighted and cut in the morning - I can't bloody wait, it's such a mess!
Had enough of language work for one day and I'm going to bed as my back and shoulders are killing me from carrying my laptop around with me yesterday :(

Life changes are the scariest thing... ever.

I've been sat staring at a blank page for an hour now.

English language is slowly killing me and i want to do it for uni? Pfft. What was i thinking!
I find it so easy to write blogs yet when it comes to my actual work - mind block!
It's gotta be in for friday and there is no way I'm gonna get it done :\
Bad bad times.
Better get on wit it...

So little time - So many places

I've been busy so i haven't updated since thursday!
I went to Jess's party on friday and i was driving soo i was sober! It was a good night but when your sober, everyones drunkenness really winds you up ha. It was lovely to see everyone though. Ended meeting you know who aswell - i really need to stop. It's just not good, I mean i really enjoy been with him for obvious reasons but all he's doing is using me :(
I picked my dad up today as well from york train station. First thing he said - he wanted to go back to aus. ARGH. I'm actually gonna go crazy ! Stupid Australia plan.
I also think my car is cursed. Actually it is definitely cursed. Some dick went into the back of me today at a junction, im so sick of it :(
I'm so bloody tired aswell but i just thought I'd update!
Nightt xx

Everybodys got an answer to a question that they need to know.

A lot can change in 24 hours.
Sam and I are talking again. My dads definitely coming home. I saw Jaime and for once i wasn't that bothered. Want me to start from the beginning?

Sam started speaking to me, normally, yesterday and then I saw him today and actually spoke to him and he was fine. It's his birthday today soo. He's trying to make a blog on this 'weebly' page thing, it's quiet funny actually. Oh.. and apparently the holly thing was all a 'facebook relationship' or something!
I saw Jaime today. He was in tescos at first - he always looks at me in this weird way that really annoys me. I saw him at school aswell when i was getting out of the car - He kind of seemed in a rush when he saw me, don't know why. Probably nothing to do with me but i didn't feel as shit as i usually do.
Main point of today .. My dad is coming home. That is it. End of.
He's finally realised after three long years that it's not the right thing to do and that we aren't going to be happy over there. Also that my nana and everyone have done alot for him and this family and its for the best. Which I'm glad about because it's about time he realised. I just want us all to be happy again and to finally get a proper house and a DRIVE. I must spend so much petrol riding around outside here trying to find a bloody park. Oh, and it's party time apparently next door!

Well mums home tomorrow so a little lie in for me and then up to tidy up!
It's Jess's birthday tomorrow as well so I won't be on tomorrow night, so I'll update you on saturday.
Bye for now!

ALL YOU EVER DO IS LIE AND CHEAT.

I just don't know what to know anymore :(
I DON'T want to feel like this! I f**king hate it. AHH
and then smart arse ben wise decides to describe fucking jasmine in her bikini at swimming all over him. urgh. :'(

I really want to hate you. I DON'T want to love you! So why can't you just get out of my head! Why do i deserve this? Why can't you just not tell me you love me if you don't frikking mean it because how is this fair on me!? I love you - you know i love you so why!? seriously, don't i deserve that answer!!?

If you think I'm coming back, Don't hold your breath - I wish i could say that.

Just an update on the Australia front. At this rate it looks like my dads coming home with my mum and that's it. It's really pissing me off now. I do want to go but if we can't afford it what is the point in dragging it out anymore!? I wish somebody would just make a decision :|
I started a conversation off with ben wise earlier about my non-existing 'lovelife.' Then he wanted to know who this person was who i get with on saturdays which was a big mistake. I can't even say anything because of this whole mess. He won't drop the bloody subject now and it would just be so much easier if i could tell people - if things were simple enough to be able to tell people.
I'm so sick of everything right now. I've just been reading my blog through and all i seem to do on this bloody thing is moan. Nothing at all is going right at the moment :(

Surely there has to a day when you wake up and everything's fine?
When you wake up and you're really happy like when you were a few years ago?

When i wake up and not think about you.

Fireworks and explosions - take 2.

Well... no reply so i told her. Apparently she doesn't care - this is Katie - and i don't really care if she believes me or not. I've said what i wanted to say, i feel better for saying it so end of.

I'm so exhausted it's unreal so bed time for me!
'I follow the signs so clearly, the quicksands pulling me down.'

I'm always waiting.

Well, I'm waiting for an answer. I met Jaime, AGAIN last night. I really need to stop. 
Soo, I told him that he has to make a choice. Jasmine or me or if he doesn't reply at all, I'm telling Katie (Jasmines best friend) everything due to the fact that i sent her an email last night about having sex with him, it was actually by accident! Anyway, I ended up sending it and she replied saying that they thought more had happened but she wasn't sure whether or not to tell Jasmine because apparently 'its clear they both love each other.' Absolute joke. If you love somebody you DON'T cheat on them every weekend!!!! urgh. Actually, you don't cheat on them at all. I know that when i was with him, i was totally stupid and was texting this idiot but i would have never have actually cheated on him. 
Anyway, if I don't get an answer, I'll just tell her - If he chooses Jasmine then I'm just never gonna see, speak to or text him at all because I can't keep doing this to myself. Gonna be difficult because i know what I'm like but I'll just have to.
I was speaking to Gemma today and she told me that she's basically back with Tony. I don't really mind anymore - not really sure what mum will say but if she's happy then fine. He clearly loves her because he hasn't had another girlfriend and it's been over a year and i know she loves him. I really wanted to tell her everything about Jaime but I didnt :\ To be honest, i know that if you love each other then you make it work but i don't see how it wouldn't. We haven't been together for a while now, actually it's nearly a year i think and you just gotta start again totally. Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past because i know i made a hell of alot of mistakes and i think i've grown up alot aswell. He said last night that why couldn't we leave things how they were because we don't argue and stuff but I'm not been the 'bit on the side' it's not fair on Jasmine and it isn't fair on me when he knows full well how much i love him. hmm :(
I'll give him another hour and then i suppose I'm gonna tell her. He even said last night that he doesn't know why he's with her. 
I'm also so sick of Australia been an excuse. If i go, i go. If i don't then i don't. End of. But its always been 'you're moving' well honey, I'm still bloody here. 


- I loved you so much that I thought someday that you could change, but all you brought me was a heart full of pain. 

Love or insecurity?

Well, I suppose i might aswell tell you now.. I did end up sleeping with Jaime last Saturday night and I must admit .. it was pretty amazing. He claims that he loves me and all this but we can't be together, he'd cheat on the person he 'loves' with me.. Funny this is right, when we were together, he never cheated on me and i knew that he loved me yet apparently she's his 'life' and he doesn't really care unless i tell her? hmmm. To be honest, he probably doesn't want me to say anything because Rebecca's boyfriend threatened him. Hmm.. Well I'm off out again tomorrow so we shall see i suppose. I told Naomi earlier, only person I think i've told because she doesn't know them so she won't say anything. She doesn't understand either. Jaime said in a message that he's doing this for me.. what exactly are you doing for me? Because if I'm totally honest, my head is so messed up :(
Oh, he also lied to me.. not much change there.. He was meant to be going to wales, so he said and hasn't gone? I hate seeing him at school aswell, it makes me so frikking angry when i see him with her. I really just want to tell her but i guess i just don't want to hurt him. Nothing ever bloody straight forward is it.

Been speaking to my mum and dad earlier. They said that it was really expensive to live over there and she isn't sure what's going to happen yet. Soo i might not or i might be off.. urgh, i wish i bloody knew. It's always a different story everyday. Schools pissing me off and if i stay here, i don't even think I'm gonna get into Uni. Yeah, i got all my offers back as conditional but that doesn't mean I'm going to get an A and two B's :|

Well i suppose i better head off to bed! At work in the morning and like i said, I'm out tomorrow night.. soo we shall see, again.
I keep thinking.. if this is love then why aren't we together? and if it's sex and not love, why can't i move on?

Does anything else wanna go wrong?!

I totally hate cocky little 15 year olds who try and be bitchy back to you when your obviously 3 years older than them and would easily just smack them in the face!!! GRR
You try and do the right thing and just get it totally chucked back in your face! Is there anything else that wants to go wrong? Anything else you have to chuck at me!?
If crashing my car before wasn't bad enough, some cunts just gone and hit it whilst coming out of a space!!?? seirously. You absolute bastard. URGH
My ICT teacher also had a go at me for missing 'loads of lessons.' I've hardly missed any.

My mum emailed this morning, she said that they had found a house and she wanted to know what i thought about it. I just wanna leave. I'm so sick of this place, im sick of seeing Jaime, im sick of seeing Driff school. Totally cant be arsed.

I just wanna sleep and wake up next year or something.

Apparently there's always a time to let go? I don't want to regret anything and I don't want to waste this time before i go.


When your younger you think nothing can hurt you, its like being invincible, your whole life is ahead of you when you have big plans, to find your perfect match, the one that completes you.
He completes me. I just need him in my life to do that.


Always and Forever. 

Please please please let me get what i want :(

I went out again last night and had a pretty good night. Didn't get in until 4 soo I'm pretty tired!
I saw Jaime aswell. I haven't got alot to say today except, I love him. I'm in love with him and I am always going to love him. I really wish we could be together whilst i still have time you know. It sounds totally stupid but the peyton and lucas on one tree hill, is me and jaime in real life and watching it everyday is just totally weird, except me and jaime don't seem to be working out like a tv program. Unfortunately.
It's really difficult been happy for him yet watching it every day :(

Just the way it goes for me I guess.
Smile and keep hoping.

Due to my rant earlier and my hilarious conversation regarding matt (ionas boyfriend) earlier with the gang.. i now have an essay for Davies to write for tomorrow. Wow, this is going to be one long night, i suppose i shouldn't really be on here, updating my life story!
Wish me luck!

Someone like you.

Well yesterday was definitely a waste of me feeling like utter shit all night. Went into the carpark today and Jasmine was snogging his face off just the same as yesterday. I might have done some stupid things in the past, but i wouldn't go as far as saying that he cheated on her with me and even having the messages. I was doing so well, and all I'm doing now is crying and i can't help feeling something for him.
I saw his mum this morning. I pulled into the carpark and saw him car and nearly died. I didn't dare get out of the car at first because i thought it was Jaime. But there was nothing in it and when i was walking to form, his mum was walking past me. She stopped me and asked about what's happening. I didn't really like telling her and it was so awkward because obviously it's her son but I didn't want to lie to her. She said to me that clive and her have always said that me and Jaime are meant to be together. I wish that was true to be honest. I'm always going to love him, always. I really wish things were different and so much better for us. I miss his family so much aswell. Debra said that she's worried about Emilie and she just wants to ring my mum and tell her she was sorry and that she know how she felt with me and Jaime. :( On saturday, I actually felt better knowing that i had him as a friend, atleast he's still a part of me, but messed that up aswell, haven't I.
I'm giving up on school aswell, i just can't be bothered anymore with anything. Anything i do is just the wrong thing anyway. Mum emailed me earlier and said that dads got a job and that they had been looking through university courses and stuff. Maybe i just need to leave this place and start again. I feel like I'm running away but i think a new start is what i need, a chance to change all my mistakes maybe?
Oh jees, I just full on cried my eyes out at oth. This is no good.
it's just not.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it. I hoped you see my face and that you'd be remembered that for me, it isn't over. Never mind i'll find someone like you, i wish nothing but the best for you. Don't forget me, i remembered you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I never wanted to do this.

Saturday was great, don't get me wrong, but he said they weren't together and now i can't help but feel so bad.
I'll start from the beginning... You already know about saturday and today Jaime was at school with Jasmine. Megan then emailed Jasmine on Facebook and told her that he cheated on her with me. Now it's all kicked off. Her sister wants to meet me tonight to see the texts that Jaime sent me. I really didn't want this at all. Believe it or not, i am actually happy for them and because i still care about Jaime, i do actually want him to be happy. I have nothing against Jasmine except jealousy i suppose. Although we were 'having a laugh' and meg, charl and ash were loving it, every time i looked at Jaimes car and saw them two together and kissing and that, i felt so shit.
Rebecca said that it's Jasmines first proper relationship and Jaime was also mine. I know how happy i was and i don't wanna be that ex girlfriend to take it all away.
I mess everything up. Someone, seriously, just put me in a cupboard, lock it and throw away the key.

There's so many people around me

yet I couldn't feel more lonely.