Sucks to be me right now.

Well, where do i start.
I've just watched a film and you know what they do to me! disastrous! It got me thinking, as always, and i felt like i should be updating this.
1st june - my 18th. Had an absolutely amazing birthday, I'm so lucky to have the family i do, would not change them for the world.
11th june - my 18th party. Amazing night, some people didn't turn up which upset me but the people that did where the people that mean the most to me and they all had a good night which I'm glad about :) I was super drunk mind but i guess I'm allowed :D
I was just reading the last post i wrote, Matt turned out to be a total waste of energy. That wednesday i went round to his, it was great, i had a really good night and several nights after but i knew that when his ex got back from uni, he would just sack me off and guess what he did - even after i spoke to him about it. He hasn't spoken to me since she's been back. Ahh well - used again.
Every single day i think about Jaime, i wish it would just GO AWAY! I don't want to think about him, i don't want to think about what him and his girlfriend are doing and how fucking happy they are. I hate it when i think about it, i try to stop - makes me do it more. Maybe i over think things but everything i do makes me think of him. Makes me mad.  I guess it's just me been me but i always hope he's okay. i see his family still and sometimes ask emily if everyones okay. I do miss his family. It's hard watching my friends be happy. I guess i'm just jealous.
All my lots gone to tenerife this week - i wasn't allowed to go :| Bloody wish i had just ignored my mum and gone to be honest! Ashleigh went to NewZealand a few weeks ago and it was good! had a good laugh with everyone and i didnt have to think about her and what she would do to make a shit night. She does my head in - Shes back today and for god sake.. go back why dont you! If she starts telling me about newzealand, i'll just tell her to shut up - anyway i guess i wont be seeing charlotte and megan now!
I don't know what im doing with my life anymore, haven't got the slightly clue! Some people are so happy and so figured out.

Maybe i should start on the tablets again, even though they never work last time.
Well im going to cry myself to sleep again.
Goodnight x

Happy :).. Finally!

Well... it's been two very eventful weeks!
Easter holidays have been jam packed with mostly drunken nights!
Been out like every weekend, every night.. i love it :)
Most importantly.. I am really happy.
I met someone just over a week ago and he's called Matt.
He is SO lovely! I've met him quite a few times and he makes me laugh so much! We have such a laugh together. I met him at megans on the friday night and then i saw him in Hooters on the Sunday.. i was apparently stood outside the mens toilets which is just embarassing! ha..
I'm also going to his on wednesday which I'm a little scared about! I like him and 1) I'm gonna have to meet his parents! and 2) I do NOT wanna mess it up ha.. We're having a 'movie night' and lets face it.. everyone knows where that ends up!
Sixth form again tomorrow, I'll let you know how wednesday goes :)

Over and out!

:|

Been a bit of a strange couple of weeks :|
Got accused of sleeping with Jaime from Jasmine, yeah it may be true but she can stop getting cocky. Stupid little girl.
I really miss him :( He was at school on thursday i think it was and it makes me feel shit every time i see him with her. I feel really lonely at the moment :\ just because i don't live in Driff, i have to make the effort all the time with everyone. I bet i hardly see people these holidays.
Nanas getting worse, i think she'll end up in hospital soon.
Nan nan's always pissed. No surprise there.
My cars getting taken away! That knob who hit my car outside shop wont pay for it now so we had to go through insurance. Their taking it away and sending me a hire car. Oh jeesss.
And, we're still in the same situation we've been in for the past 7 years. Getting totally boring now and it's really pissing me off.

Humph :(

"You've got that smile that only heaven can make, i pray to god everyday that you be mine forever.
You are the only thing that i need right now."

another question

Love is definitely the worst emotion.

Do i even love him? lust maybe? hmm!

Remember me as a time of day

"Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Who do you see looking back?
Is it the person you wanna be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be? The person you should have been, but feel short of.
Is someone telling you you can't? or you won't? Because you can.
Believe that love is out there
Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do.
Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family... and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.
So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy. Because you deserve to be, believe that."

I wouldn't change anything in my life right now.

Just another drunken week.

Well.. went to ashleighs on wednesday night with a MASSIVE bottle of vodka. Ended up at tim and dans... enough said. I woke up with dan cuddling me. Again - enough said.
Then i went to ashleighs again tonight, she made me tea! then, again, ended up at Dan and Tims. But, i decided to drive so i didnt get in a state again and I've just got in :)
It was a good night on wednesday actually except, wondering around little driff and nearly getting attacked by a man! Crazy fool.
Thursday was THE worst day ever. I felt so sick allll day, and slept like alll afternoon and night! NIGHTMARE.

Anywayy, I'm so shattered. Niiiightt

A kiss to beat a heart on

Quick update:
- Friday I went to yipps with my mum and her friends, was a good laugh!
- Saturday, i stayed in funnily enough.. boring.com!
- Sunday, went to york and spent the cash!
- Monday.. WESTLIFE, you know how much of a hardcore fan i am! They were great as always. Not that much of a fan of the 'mine and jaime song' but meh, i still love them!
- Tuesday... wow, its been a strange day today. Apparently, I've slept with Tom. First thing i've heard of it. So i went up to charlie (toms ex) and told her that it definitely isn't true. I would tell her if it was and it isn't, at all.
Plus, it was meant to be the night that i really liked sam so i wouldnt, you know.
I have no idea what's happening there. Im kind of getting a bit bored. Singles just getting boring and i need some excitement in my life! But i don't think we're going anywhere so I'm not gonna push it.
Well, I've got my english essay to finish, the joys of A levels.

Little me in a big city.

Woahhh, haven't had chance to write this all week! What a manic week.
Went to Newcastle Uni on wednesday and really liked it :) We had like a mini lecture about english language and about what to expect and stuff from the course and I was actually quite surprised. Most of what I will be doing is what i've already learnt but obviously harder and more advanced. He did the mini lecture on Language Acquisition and that's what I've been doing for my coursework - which, may i just say, is slowly killing me. It has to be in tomorrow and WHAT A NIGHTMARE! I haven't even attempted my year 12 resit which I should be doing because i have no idea how I'm going to change it when Miss Lockwood is just a knob and won't help me anyway. Don't get me started on her, she's just a waste of a human being.
Anyway, Newcastle was really nice but massive! And I've started looking at my application for accommodation online! I aren't really fussed where i live, it just has to be clean and i ned my own bathroom! There isn't a chance I'm sharing a bathroom and toilet with someone i don't know! So that's going to be my first choice and my second choice I'm not sure about. I was thinking leeds but then they changed my course and then i though sheffield but again, it's still far away and the grades are still steep. So i think I'll be going for Hull. It's scarborough campus and i won't have to pay for accommodation ... plus, i get to keep my car - well a car as I'm getting rid of the c3! Decision, decisions!
Having my hair highlighted and cut in the morning - I can't bloody wait, it's such a mess!
Had enough of language work for one day and I'm going to bed as my back and shoulders are killing me from carrying my laptop around with me yesterday :(

Life changes are the scariest thing... ever.

I've been sat staring at a blank page for an hour now.

English language is slowly killing me and i want to do it for uni? Pfft. What was i thinking!
I find it so easy to write blogs yet when it comes to my actual work - mind block!
It's gotta be in for friday and there is no way I'm gonna get it done :\
Bad bad times.
Better get on wit it...

So little time - So many places

I've been busy so i haven't updated since thursday!
I went to Jess's party on friday and i was driving soo i was sober! It was a good night but when your sober, everyones drunkenness really winds you up ha. It was lovely to see everyone though. Ended meeting you know who aswell - i really need to stop. It's just not good, I mean i really enjoy been with him for obvious reasons but all he's doing is using me :(
I picked my dad up today as well from york train station. First thing he said - he wanted to go back to aus. ARGH. I'm actually gonna go crazy ! Stupid Australia plan.
I also think my car is cursed. Actually it is definitely cursed. Some dick went into the back of me today at a junction, im so sick of it :(
I'm so bloody tired aswell but i just thought I'd update!
Nightt xx

Everybodys got an answer to a question that they need to know.

A lot can change in 24 hours.
Sam and I are talking again. My dads definitely coming home. I saw Jaime and for once i wasn't that bothered. Want me to start from the beginning?

Sam started speaking to me, normally, yesterday and then I saw him today and actually spoke to him and he was fine. It's his birthday today soo. He's trying to make a blog on this 'weebly' page thing, it's quiet funny actually. Oh.. and apparently the holly thing was all a 'facebook relationship' or something!
I saw Jaime today. He was in tescos at first - he always looks at me in this weird way that really annoys me. I saw him at school aswell when i was getting out of the car - He kind of seemed in a rush when he saw me, don't know why. Probably nothing to do with me but i didn't feel as shit as i usually do.
Main point of today .. My dad is coming home. That is it. End of.
He's finally realised after three long years that it's not the right thing to do and that we aren't going to be happy over there. Also that my nana and everyone have done alot for him and this family and its for the best. Which I'm glad about because it's about time he realised. I just want us all to be happy again and to finally get a proper house and a DRIVE. I must spend so much petrol riding around outside here trying to find a bloody park. Oh, and it's party time apparently next door!

Well mums home tomorrow so a little lie in for me and then up to tidy up!
It's Jess's birthday tomorrow as well so I won't be on tomorrow night, so I'll update you on saturday.
Bye for now!

ALL YOU EVER DO IS LIE AND CHEAT.

I just don't know what to know anymore :(
I DON'T want to feel like this! I f**king hate it. AHH
and then smart arse ben wise decides to describe fucking jasmine in her bikini at swimming all over him. urgh. :'(

I really want to hate you. I DON'T want to love you! So why can't you just get out of my head! Why do i deserve this? Why can't you just not tell me you love me if you don't frikking mean it because how is this fair on me!? I love you - you know i love you so why!? seriously, don't i deserve that answer!!?

If you think I'm coming back, Don't hold your breath - I wish i could say that.

Just an update on the Australia front. At this rate it looks like my dads coming home with my mum and that's it. It's really pissing me off now. I do want to go but if we can't afford it what is the point in dragging it out anymore!? I wish somebody would just make a decision :|
I started a conversation off with ben wise earlier about my non-existing 'lovelife.' Then he wanted to know who this person was who i get with on saturdays which was a big mistake. I can't even say anything because of this whole mess. He won't drop the bloody subject now and it would just be so much easier if i could tell people - if things were simple enough to be able to tell people.
I'm so sick of everything right now. I've just been reading my blog through and all i seem to do on this bloody thing is moan. Nothing at all is going right at the moment :(

Surely there has to a day when you wake up and everything's fine?
When you wake up and you're really happy like when you were a few years ago?

When i wake up and not think about you.

Fireworks and explosions - take 2.

Well... no reply so i told her. Apparently she doesn't care - this is Katie - and i don't really care if she believes me or not. I've said what i wanted to say, i feel better for saying it so end of.

I'm so exhausted it's unreal so bed time for me!
'I follow the signs so clearly, the quicksands pulling me down.'

I'm always waiting.

Well, I'm waiting for an answer. I met Jaime, AGAIN last night. I really need to stop. 
Soo, I told him that he has to make a choice. Jasmine or me or if he doesn't reply at all, I'm telling Katie (Jasmines best friend) everything due to the fact that i sent her an email last night about having sex with him, it was actually by accident! Anyway, I ended up sending it and she replied saying that they thought more had happened but she wasn't sure whether or not to tell Jasmine because apparently 'its clear they both love each other.' Absolute joke. If you love somebody you DON'T cheat on them every weekend!!!! urgh. Actually, you don't cheat on them at all. I know that when i was with him, i was totally stupid and was texting this idiot but i would have never have actually cheated on him. 
Anyway, if I don't get an answer, I'll just tell her - If he chooses Jasmine then I'm just never gonna see, speak to or text him at all because I can't keep doing this to myself. Gonna be difficult because i know what I'm like but I'll just have to.
I was speaking to Gemma today and she told me that she's basically back with Tony. I don't really mind anymore - not really sure what mum will say but if she's happy then fine. He clearly loves her because he hasn't had another girlfriend and it's been over a year and i know she loves him. I really wanted to tell her everything about Jaime but I didnt :\ To be honest, i know that if you love each other then you make it work but i don't see how it wouldn't. We haven't been together for a while now, actually it's nearly a year i think and you just gotta start again totally. Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past because i know i made a hell of alot of mistakes and i think i've grown up alot aswell. He said last night that why couldn't we leave things how they were because we don't argue and stuff but I'm not been the 'bit on the side' it's not fair on Jasmine and it isn't fair on me when he knows full well how much i love him. hmm :(
I'll give him another hour and then i suppose I'm gonna tell her. He even said last night that he doesn't know why he's with her. 
I'm also so sick of Australia been an excuse. If i go, i go. If i don't then i don't. End of. But its always been 'you're moving' well honey, I'm still bloody here. 


- I loved you so much that I thought someday that you could change, but all you brought me was a heart full of pain. 

Love or insecurity?

Well, I suppose i might aswell tell you now.. I did end up sleeping with Jaime last Saturday night and I must admit .. it was pretty amazing. He claims that he loves me and all this but we can't be together, he'd cheat on the person he 'loves' with me.. Funny this is right, when we were together, he never cheated on me and i knew that he loved me yet apparently she's his 'life' and he doesn't really care unless i tell her? hmmm. To be honest, he probably doesn't want me to say anything because Rebecca's boyfriend threatened him. Hmm.. Well I'm off out again tomorrow so we shall see i suppose. I told Naomi earlier, only person I think i've told because she doesn't know them so she won't say anything. She doesn't understand either. Jaime said in a message that he's doing this for me.. what exactly are you doing for me? Because if I'm totally honest, my head is so messed up :(
Oh, he also lied to me.. not much change there.. He was meant to be going to wales, so he said and hasn't gone? I hate seeing him at school aswell, it makes me so frikking angry when i see him with her. I really just want to tell her but i guess i just don't want to hurt him. Nothing ever bloody straight forward is it.

Been speaking to my mum and dad earlier. They said that it was really expensive to live over there and she isn't sure what's going to happen yet. Soo i might not or i might be off.. urgh, i wish i bloody knew. It's always a different story everyday. Schools pissing me off and if i stay here, i don't even think I'm gonna get into Uni. Yeah, i got all my offers back as conditional but that doesn't mean I'm going to get an A and two B's :|

Well i suppose i better head off to bed! At work in the morning and like i said, I'm out tomorrow night.. soo we shall see, again.
I keep thinking.. if this is love then why aren't we together? and if it's sex and not love, why can't i move on?

Does anything else wanna go wrong?!

I totally hate cocky little 15 year olds who try and be bitchy back to you when your obviously 3 years older than them and would easily just smack them in the face!!! GRR
You try and do the right thing and just get it totally chucked back in your face! Is there anything else that wants to go wrong? Anything else you have to chuck at me!?
If crashing my car before wasn't bad enough, some cunts just gone and hit it whilst coming out of a space!!?? seirously. You absolute bastard. URGH
My ICT teacher also had a go at me for missing 'loads of lessons.' I've hardly missed any.

My mum emailed this morning, she said that they had found a house and she wanted to know what i thought about it. I just wanna leave. I'm so sick of this place, im sick of seeing Jaime, im sick of seeing Driff school. Totally cant be arsed.

I just wanna sleep and wake up next year or something.

Apparently there's always a time to let go? I don't want to regret anything and I don't want to waste this time before i go.


When your younger you think nothing can hurt you, its like being invincible, your whole life is ahead of you when you have big plans, to find your perfect match, the one that completes you.
He completes me. I just need him in my life to do that.


Always and Forever. 

Please please please let me get what i want :(

I went out again last night and had a pretty good night. Didn't get in until 4 soo I'm pretty tired!
I saw Jaime aswell. I haven't got alot to say today except, I love him. I'm in love with him and I am always going to love him. I really wish we could be together whilst i still have time you know. It sounds totally stupid but the peyton and lucas on one tree hill, is me and jaime in real life and watching it everyday is just totally weird, except me and jaime don't seem to be working out like a tv program. Unfortunately.
It's really difficult been happy for him yet watching it every day :(

Just the way it goes for me I guess.
Smile and keep hoping.

Due to my rant earlier and my hilarious conversation regarding matt (ionas boyfriend) earlier with the gang.. i now have an essay for Davies to write for tomorrow. Wow, this is going to be one long night, i suppose i shouldn't really be on here, updating my life story!
Wish me luck!

Someone like you.

Well yesterday was definitely a waste of me feeling like utter shit all night. Went into the carpark today and Jasmine was snogging his face off just the same as yesterday. I might have done some stupid things in the past, but i wouldn't go as far as saying that he cheated on her with me and even having the messages. I was doing so well, and all I'm doing now is crying and i can't help feeling something for him.
I saw his mum this morning. I pulled into the carpark and saw him car and nearly died. I didn't dare get out of the car at first because i thought it was Jaime. But there was nothing in it and when i was walking to form, his mum was walking past me. She stopped me and asked about what's happening. I didn't really like telling her and it was so awkward because obviously it's her son but I didn't want to lie to her. She said to me that clive and her have always said that me and Jaime are meant to be together. I wish that was true to be honest. I'm always going to love him, always. I really wish things were different and so much better for us. I miss his family so much aswell. Debra said that she's worried about Emilie and she just wants to ring my mum and tell her she was sorry and that she know how she felt with me and Jaime. :( On saturday, I actually felt better knowing that i had him as a friend, atleast he's still a part of me, but messed that up aswell, haven't I.
I'm giving up on school aswell, i just can't be bothered anymore with anything. Anything i do is just the wrong thing anyway. Mum emailed me earlier and said that dads got a job and that they had been looking through university courses and stuff. Maybe i just need to leave this place and start again. I feel like I'm running away but i think a new start is what i need, a chance to change all my mistakes maybe?
Oh jees, I just full on cried my eyes out at oth. This is no good.
it's just not.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it. I hoped you see my face and that you'd be remembered that for me, it isn't over. Never mind i'll find someone like you, i wish nothing but the best for you. Don't forget me, i remembered you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I never wanted to do this.

Saturday was great, don't get me wrong, but he said they weren't together and now i can't help but feel so bad.
I'll start from the beginning... You already know about saturday and today Jaime was at school with Jasmine. Megan then emailed Jasmine on Facebook and told her that he cheated on her with me. Now it's all kicked off. Her sister wants to meet me tonight to see the texts that Jaime sent me. I really didn't want this at all. Believe it or not, i am actually happy for them and because i still care about Jaime, i do actually want him to be happy. I have nothing against Jasmine except jealousy i suppose. Although we were 'having a laugh' and meg, charl and ash were loving it, every time i looked at Jaimes car and saw them two together and kissing and that, i felt so shit.
Rebecca said that it's Jasmines first proper relationship and Jaime was also mine. I know how happy i was and i don't wanna be that ex girlfriend to take it all away.
I mess everything up. Someone, seriously, just put me in a cupboard, lock it and throw away the key.

There's so many people around me

yet I couldn't feel more lonely.

What a day.

I can't seem to do anything right :( All I've been doing since my mum and dad left is caring about everybody else. If i haven't been at work, I've been at school and then when i get home I'm ironing or washing or putting tea in the oven etc. Went to school today, aggy passed his driving test last week so charlotte said we'll go and put his wipers up and push his mirrors in etc, soo we did for a laugh and his wing mirror fell off when i pushed it. So no doubt i'll be paying for that aswell. Then i thought I'd be nice and take my grandad a mcds because he doesn't tend to eat much now a days and all night he's been having a go at me for things that i can't help. Which obviously wasn't fun.
Sam is still be a dick. His little girl friend or whatever she is added me on skype yesterday so i just asked her why as on skype i only have my family etc. Anyway, she said she wanted more friends? I don't see why she adds me of all people plus she doesn't even know me. Weirdo. And then earlier she starts asking me all these questions like if i was getting sam and stuff. Urgh, people younger than me do annoy me. Esp cocky little year 11's.
I put two washes of clothes on tonight as well and dried them and then i only got shouted at because i put a top of gemma's in the dryer that shrunk but it was only like a vest to wear until tops so i don't see what the massive fuss was about! Been talking to mum and dad tonight as well which was nice but I'm not really in the best of moods which you can probably tell. I asked Gemma to clean the bathroom as I'm gonna do the shower room tomorrow and hoover up and she said, "I'm not the only one that uses it, you use it aswell" - yeah I'll just do that and everything else whilst I'm at it shall I. She's been in scarborough all day and hasn't come home until 8 tonight. And apparently she isn't coming home tomorrow until late either - marvelous.
Haven't really seen my Nana since last thursday so not quiet sure how she is but I'm taking Yvonne up tomorrow so I'll see then!
I'm so going to bed, can't wait for this day to be over!

The day after the night before.

Feeling a bit rough today - Knackered is an understatement. Went into Driffield with Saundbomb and had such a good night! I haven't actually been in Keys before because their sometimes strict on ID but we went in there and then on to Hooters2! around half 1. My feet are killing me today but it was sooo worth it.
I saw Jaime, which was really nice actually. I haven't seen him in ages and it was nice to just have a civil conversation with him. It was a bit awkward in Keys because i know Caddy and that were telling him i was here and stuff but in Hooters it was really nice :) I don't think he knows if he's with Jasmine or not ha but if he still is then I'm happy for him. I'm over him if I'm honest, I will always love him but I wouldn't get back with him or anything now. So overall, a really good night except from having to work back to Emilys! I ended up taking my shoes off which was probably a worser idea than keeping them on. Jaime walked me back and this danny kid walked em back. (:
Went to Grandmas for dinner today which was also lovely. I was nearly falling asleep at the table however.
Happy happy :D

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes...

...some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason, some are bigger like when we let down a friend, some of us escape the pain of regret and make the right choice, some of us have little time for regret because were looking forward to the future, sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past and sometimes we bury our regret and promise to change our ways but our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the thing we didn’t do, the things we didn’t say to save someone we care about.

Spoke to my mum and dad this morning, god, i miss them so much. I could really do with a mama cuddle right now. I've got Yvonne, family and all my friends around me but I haven't felt this lonely for a while. I miss been in a relationship. I miss been that close with somebody that anything you do, whatever you look like, whatever you wear, they don't care. They love you for who you are and that's all that matters. One tree hill makes me think about way to many things and I guess I'm just missing what used to be.
I'm going out in Driff with Em tonight which should be good, find out all the gossip. Not really looking forward to seeing Jaime. He probably won't even be out but I haven't seen him for so long, it'll be very weird. I don't even know if he's still with that Jasmine.
I told Sam last night that I really liked him but he kind of avoided the subject. Story of my life.

There's always something.

Parents went yesterday :( It was very emotional! I tried my hardest not to cry and BOOM failed that one. Feels so weird them not been around. I actually put clothes in the washer today and ironed them! Surprisingly, they weren't three sizes smaller when I had finished! Quite proud of that one!
Brum went in for it's MOT yesterday also.. failed. The suspension springs at the front, both sides had practically broke in half and the bulb on the break light was out. Sooo they fixed it today equalling a large total of ... £322.23. What a joke. The springs were only £35 for two and £27 for the bulb. Tracking charge, which i don't know what that is was £25. Then the MOT was £33.50 and the bloody labour.. don't get me started! £40 a bloody hour!!? you have to be joking right!?! A total of 4 hours.. £160! Absolute Joke. Not figured out how I'm gonna afford that one yet.. doesn't look like i will be buying anything off topshop today. Oh yeah.. VAT = £50. It's ridiculous. Might just get rid of the bugger!
Anywayy, I was fine until that happened! Except for last night... that was a bit bad :| - I got woken up at half 2 by someone practically banging a door down and i honestly thought it was my front door! Anyway, I aren't really sure if it was or not but i think it was next door - druggies. I think they were banging on it really loud and then a taxi came and then it was quiet. But i frightened myself that much and ended up laying in the same position in bed, not moving. Stupid really. I ended up texting Ian and asking him to have a look around for me when he came to work. :\
Looking forward to Saturday with em! Atleast i get out of this house for a bit! Tomorrow night I'm on my own :\ Could be fun!
Off to school tomorrow to get my ICT done, it's getting moderated next week.

Anyywayy, off to watch a film with Gem. Nighttt xx

Changes in a lifetime.

I have soo much to tell you!

Saturday - Went to see Alexandra Burke at the Spa and she was soo good! Seb invited me and we had a right laugh, went into town after however and it was dead.. really weird for a saturday night. Although.. he did get started on by an old man at the spa which was eventful! I think he wants more than friends though.. which could be a problem :|
Sunday - Went to see 'Just go with it' at the cinema with Gem. That was a right laugh.. So funny!
Monday - THE BRACES CAME OFF! Oh yes, i got my braces off and i couldnt have been more excited if i'm honest! They look really good but there not finished yet :| Got this stupid retainer on them and i have to wear it 24/7.. i can hardly eat things and i talk like a bloody retard! But hey ho, soon be finished! :D
I've been at work allll day today so not alot as happened! Car was meant to go in for it's MOT but they had a power cut or something stupid soo it's off in tomorrow!
Just talking to Ryan at the moment! He's such a laugh and a really nice lad :)
he just told me to mention him so i suppose i better ;)
On the 'one tree hill' front, I've finished season 3 and haven't seen ashleigh sooo I'm just waiting for season 4 :)

Oh.. parents leave tomorrow! ARGH. Scary stuff right. Everyone's been really helpful though and said that if we need them, then we know where they are :) Plus, I've always got Yvonne. Speaking of Yvonne.. I've been working there for 5 years tomorrow! I've got her some flowers and a card :)
Went to nanas on friday and Grandad was completely out of it :| He didn't even remember that i had been! He was also out of it last night..

Fun fun times ey!

A multitude of casualties.

I've had a really funny day today. The year 12 vs year 13 football matches are always one to not miss! Even though it was bloody freezing, and year 13 played totally rubbish! It was a laugh. It was 0-0 all the way through the match and went to penalties.. which ended up been 2-2 i think and then Ryan.. a year 12 scored! Therefore, they won. I full on ripped tom as he was in the goal and cal who missed a penalty, which was hilarious! I say we need a re-match :P

We sold the car today, mum got really emotional, bless her. It's gonna be hard but i guess we will just have to stick together. I also went to the doctors... they gave me a higher dose of the tablets. humph.
Sam's totally ignoring me aswell which is pretty shit but ahhwell.
Going out for tea tonight with the grand-rents, which should be nice (: Definietly not having a pudding this time!
Nearly finished oth season 3 aswell! Bad times.

I see you standing there, but you're already gone.

Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.

Why do i always mess things up?

Just watch the fireworks.

Righty..
I told my mum and dad, after about an hour of standing upstairs like a fanny, speaking to myself on what i was going to say to them! They weren't really that fussed about that, just that i haven't told them before and that I'm not paying something that itsn't my fault. I said that i would pay for anything that was fault but i'm not paying anything if it isnt. My mum rang toby and he said that it happened really fast but it was basically a mutal thing, we both reversed at the same time and hit each other, so im not getting the blame.
Her dad sent me a bloody voicemail, basically threatening me that if i didnt send Samara my house number so that her dad and my dad could speak, he would find it somehow and some round to my house if he has to. I dont think so 'trevor walker'. Anyhoww, my mum rang the police and they said that i shouldnt text her back anymore and my mum shouldnt contact them but go into school tomorrow so try and sort it out properly. Sooo thats what im gonna do! This is such a nightmare :|

Been talking to ryan earlier.. basically about silly things and Sam most of the time. Obviously he sides with him and i dont expect him not to. Made me think that the only thing really upsetting me is that i trusted him enough to read my blog and i only let Ash read it when i mentioned that i let sam..
Then he goes and reads it and starts making stupid horrible comments about it. Everything i say on here is obviously the truth, seen as though nobody reads it except me and Sam who did.
It's personal you know.

Worst than the day before?

Okay, there is a worserer day than yesterday.
£270? for a crack in her fuel cap that according to sam and calum, was already there. Plus. its rusty as FUCK and i don't see how my bummer is meant to hit that? URGHH!!! Soo i text her saying, I'm not paying for the crack and I'll pay for the dent to get sucked out and she wants my mothers number for the insurance company details!?!?! GRRRRR
For god sake, why does nothing ever go right and everything just goes fucked up!
I darent tell my mum and my dad will kick off and shes not very well as it is and argh my god.
Okay.. breathe.
I'll let you know on the details laters!!

I can't wait for this day to end.

Went to see my Grandad tonight, he's not good at all. He has way to much 'pride' (as he calls it) to come to me if he needs anything. I think he needs to go the doctors to be honest. Me and Gem took him a mcds ha! Really classy.
I saw my nana earlier aswell, she really upset me actually. She was crying loads which you just don't want to see anyway! And she just seemed generally down and kept apoligising for something - not sure what! I told my grandad to ring the nurse, not sure if he has.
I can't to go to bed.. After the bloody day I've had.
PLUS I can't be arsed with annoying children. (whether he reads this or not, I honestly give up.) Actually, i give up with lads in general.

Righty, bedtime.

There's 6 million people in the world and sometimes you just want 1.

I've had the worst day ever :(
Crashed my fucking car into Samara's which is gonna cost me £150 to repair mine and that's not even thinking about samaras.. There wasn't even that much damage on hers, like nothing basically. The petrol cap has raised slightly at the bottom and all it needed was straightening out and now she's saying there's a dint in her door? What the actual fuck.
ARGH
Oh and to top off just a fantastic day.. Sam's getting with a girl who is YOUNGER than him. Deja vu much?
meh :( :(

Happy F**king Valentines Day.

This is the most depressing-ist day of the year - Fact.
Charlotte got a gorgeous surprise from Tim, roses and a card on her car and he was hid in the carpark. Jealous much!
However, i did go out for a lovely meal with wanda (ash) which was nice! Went to China Red and it was loverllyy! Stuffed may be an understatement!
All I could think about was two years ago today :( Finished work, post-it notes all around my house in a little hunt thing to find a card, a rose, a pandora charm and Jaime hid behind my door in my room :| That day was absolutely perfect.
A lot can change in two years.

Also I got season 3 today.. WOO.. I'm getting quiet obsessed, it's bad.
Sam's still been a c**t so no change there!
Oh. Apparently dentist has changed my appointment to Monday now, which is better obviously as it's sooner... However! My dentist is actually on 'sick leave' and isn't even there? hmm? Oh. also, my mum has decided that she is going with my dad a week on Wednesday. It has been such a confusing day today.

Another days over.
9 Days.

Some people love to learn ...

There's something missing.
I haven't been on here for a while now purely on the fact that I don't really have anything to say. I haven't given up on Sam and I don't intend to... It's hard enough not speaking to him but having him been the way he is when he does speak to me is worse.
I've watched Season 2 of oth all week. All it seems to do is make me think about everything. To be totally honest, I haven't thought about Jaime all week.. The only thing I've thought about is how I don't think of him because I've got somebody else on my mind.
There's been an advancement in the Australia situation - Mums decided to go with dad a week tomorrow for a month to get him sorted. She hasn't fully decided yet because she stresses to much! There's the shop, money from the shop, wages, hours, me and gem. But we can always sort that out, she needs to stop worrying! She'll be on Skype every night anyway talking to us! It's gonna be difficult is she does go though. I applied for a job at manor court the other day purely on the fact that is she does go, I'll be struggling with my car. The MOT is due on the 1st of March and if it fails it, I'm screwed! :(
I went out on Friday night.. I kind of told Sam I thought I loved him aswell.. However, I did actually mean it. He doesn't seem to understand how much I like him and I've apologized a million times :( I got so drunk on Friday though... I can't believe how ill I felt yesterday! I am never drinking Vodka again... and I mean it! I'm sure there's another drink I get drunk from - Just not as bad!
I feel like last year I lost myself and I'm finally starting to find myself again... I just don't want to fall of the rails again! Doctors again on Friday, to either get some more tablets or change them, I haven't really thought about what I'm going to say yet.

Once you lose yourself you have two choices... find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely because sometimes you have to step outside of that person you've been and remember that person you want to be, that person you are.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I wanna be.

Saw him today.. It was so awkward and I just wanted to go up to him and give him a bit of banter ha. Feels weird not speaking to him.
I also went to the cinema which was really funny. I haven't seen gee in a while and it was a good laugh :) I must say, the film was depressing.. and i mean, i cried my eyes out. She had cancer and found love and she died and, well you know what I'm like.. soppy! It made me remember the flight to Mexico, me and gem crying our eyes out watching 'my sisters keeper' on the plane! - totally embarrassing!
However, to follow this depressing film, this girl fell down the stairs whilst we were walking out! It has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen.. Gee totally burst out laughing and i couldn't help my self! - she shouldn't have worn heels should she! hehe!
I'm really looking forward to friday :) can;'t wait to get drunk ha!

Sometimes in life you have to do it because you never know what's around the corner.

++ .. So he blocks and deletes me from facebook? Is there anything else he wants to chuck at me? wow. I'm really disappointed in him if I'm honest. He's the first person i've trusted and liked properly since Jaime and it's kind of a big thing for me.
:(

But once in a while people push on to something better...

... Something found beyond the pain of doing it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

How come everything is always my fault? I'm always the one that's left in a mess and yet it's my fault? Sam kicked off yesterday because i invited lucy to my party so Laura wasn't on her own.. I understand that's its gotta be awkward between them but sometimes you just have to ignore her. Apparently i didn't understand.. but i have been through what he's going through and i do understand.
He told me today that he didn't want to talk or text me and didn't want me to speak to him... So again, it's my fault? and I'm the one left in this situation?

I actually thought he was a decent lad and i really do like him but maybe showing his true colours now is better than showing them later on? right?
I'm so irritable at home purely on the fact that i can't do anything about it. Apparently i 'blew my chance' but i only reacted because he kicked off? He obviously doesn't see it that way :(

Just something else that's gone wrong... kind of getting used to that feeling.


There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

It's amazing how everything can change in the space of a few hours.

I'm thinking so much and i don't even know what to say :(
If i could erase my past i would, but i can't and there isn't anything i can do about it! So why does it always come up whatever i do!?
Why can't that fuck off and never come up again!? Everything i do and every decision i make, it's there. Every person i speak to, it's there. I don't want that in my life anymore but it's there.. it's always fucking there. It's always fucking mentioned. It's always the one thing that makes in a complete mess.

You don't know how much i wanna leave, like next week. I really wish i could go with dad :(
Everything is such a mess. Everything's falling apart.

You don't know how much I'm considering just getting in my car and driving anywhere, i actually don't care. Somewhere where nobody knows me, nobody can bring up anything, nobody can judge me.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

What is wrong with people!?

Actually.. not people.. lads.
Just had an argument with sam over who i decide to invite to MY party!? If he doesn't like it then don't come and be pathetic. Apparently i don't understand what's going on with lucy when it sounds exactly the same as the situation with Jaime? But then again.. what do i know ey?
Why do i never have any luck with lads?
I could actually scream right now. If i couldn't be arsed earlier, i can't be arsed even more now!

Its my party.. I'll invite who i want to invite and if they don't like it, don't come. Simple.

Never underestimate a girl's abillity to find things out.

I'm in an angry mood today! I simply can't be bothered with anyone or anything. 'Whatever!'
Plus, I'm watching the shittest film ever.. not even sure what it is to be honest!
AND my facebook won't work on my blackberry and it decides to be TOTALLY annoying on my computer... Not good.

I also need to state the windyness today! I actually thought I was going to blow away. Crazy Crazy English weather.

Major CBA
Speak later!

All we do is try try try...

But we try to hard and it's a waste of my time.

EVENING
I am in such a weird mood. Like freakishly weird ha. Had a good day (: been naughty in Topshop! I will allow someone to please take my debit card off me... much appreciated!
Had an hilarious conversation with Kirsty! Gosh, i swear i'm not normal.. maybe i was dropped on my head when i was born? That will explain sooo much...
Haven't really been bothered to care about most things today.. to be totally honest, i think i have a hangover... Sshhhh!

They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair.
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time.. Why do we do that?

6 archers and lemonade and a vodka and orange...

...and i don't feel any different.

Had a lovely tea at Yipps, practically talking to myself. Nigel doesn't like me because I'm 'gobby' and 'opinionated' .. apparently. So anyway, I'm sat on my own, in my room, watching 'Crossroads' with another vodka and orange.
Aint speaking to sam :( don't have a clue what's going on between us or if anything will ever happen but it's not like I have forever..
Practically all night we've been talking about aus and if i could go with my dad in 15 days I definitely would. Everythings so much effort and so complicated all the time.
My sisters well pissed me off. I was gonna go into town with them after the meal and she wouldn't let me go because i didn't have ID.. so what? if i got ID'd i would just come home. I'm 18 in like under 4 months and they seem to have a problem with me going home on my own when i do that every weekend in driff anyway? What is the deal with that.
Seb was texting me aswell and said he would come and meet me but my mum decided that i couldn't go anyway. Nice one.


I'm not having another Saturday night like this.

SATURDAYYYY

I shouldn't drink redbull.. Hyper is maybe an understatement right now!
I have no idea what's happening with anything so please don't even question me because i have no idea.. at all.
I'm going out for tea tonight with the fam and some family friends.. which could be interesting seen as though all he does is talk about himself.. all the time. Not even exaggerating.
Ohwell, I'm only looking forward to the fooood! I think i might go out after also. Which could be fun! I think Seb's going out and he asked if i was soo i shall see. Haven't decided yet.
I'm in such a weird mood. Maybe I should go and drink some water LOL.
can NOT wait for next friday.. Steph's 18th is gonna be soo good!
Anyhowww, i need to get my face on!
Toooooodles xxx

Broken Arrow

I don't really know what to think today :|
I just know that I'm getting a bit sick of trying. How come i seem to always be the one who has to make an effort?

It's always been the same.

lifes full of surprises

I'm feel a bit strange today.
Totally weirded out by our visitor this morning!! (post below) but hey ho!
Saw Sam today :) I'm supposed to be taking him to KFC one day.. when he finally decides to tell me when..
My nana wasn't too good today, she looked so down and depressed bless her. Speaking about depressed, i haven't had a tablet in ages! Opps.

I've just put my party on facebook! I actually can't wait.. this year is just going to be great. Can't wait for summer!
Anywaay,, not alot to say today, already had a little rant earlier soo tea's ready! I'm starvedd!

Bye for now :)

What the hell.

OH MY GOD.

You never guess whose at my nanas? MICHAEL.
He thinks he can just walk back into our lives after 12 years and come and see nana and bring photos of Abigail and Paul. I don't think so. That is a joke.
He didn't even look at me, he hardly even spoke to me. The only things he said to me - 'hi' and 'don't go on my behalf'
He's a bastard. I don't want anything to do with him.

For all i know.. he's not my relation.

URGH.

Third post of the day.. Must be feeling alot!
I'm a bit pissed off to be honest. I'm sick of letting jaime get in the way of what i want to do and who i want to get with .. all the frikking time! He has a new girlfriend and i don't see why he's gotta be brought up in my life. If you care more about what he thinks then don't bother with me because I'm not watching what i say just to please him. I've had that for three fucking years and i've had enough.
I try so hard all the time and where does it get me? no-where. Ash said that i shouldn't text them first and the lads should try and text me first but it never works out that way does it. If i didn't text him then i wouldn't see him. And personally, i don't really want that.
I don't wanna argue and i dont wanna mess things up but I'm getting just a bit annoyed now. Things were going fine and i don't know why it was brought up but it was. I have to see his face at school every week which i obviously don't want without talking about him aswell.
Seriously, get out of my life.

You know what i really miss?

The feeling of been in love and been wanted by somebody.

Totally empty right now.

PING

You know that feeling when a lightbulb just tends to go off in your head and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Saw Jaime today and all i could see when i looked at him was regret. My heart didn't sink, i didn't get upset, well.. it was a pretty good feeling to be honest.
I haven't really seen sam today! - i kinda miss him.

We were listening to old music today in the car, it was such a trip down memory lane! Good memory lane though :)
Again... I'm watching OTH.. I'm kind of obsessed.. is that a bad thing? Oh my - the only downfall is that it makes me think about a hell of a things!

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow :)

Made a wrong turn once or twice..

dug my way out blood and fire, bad decisions, that's alright.. welcome to my silly life.

I haven't had my tablets in like four days :| hmm i should probably go and get one!!
I went to the cinema tonight which was good :) Went with ash and saw gee there, she is soo funny! We saw Black Swan and i swear it was the weirdest film i have ever seen in my life. It was rated a 15 - pfft! There must be some really strange people out there that direct and produce these type of films, don't you reckon?
Ash went to see Lara today. She's leaving again on Friday and it made me think about if i go :|.. saying goodbye is going to be the hardest thing ever. Especially to people I'm so close to. 18 days till dad goes.. I'm going to be such a mess :(

On the upside.. I went to the dentist today! What a wonderful man. The braces are coming off on the 24th! I can't explain how excited I am !! Wooooooooo!

What am i gonna do when the last songs over?

I like thinking about you. <3

Is this the start of something new?

I kissed sam today.
Well actually, I was a nightmare and he made the first move. I liked it though but he's worried he was rubbish - which he wasn't.
Bless him.
Ashleigh said some really nice things last night which made me feel less lonely. She said she would always be there for me and i really appreciate that.
I went to see my nana today. I took yvonne up to do her hair and stayed with her. She looks really down today, bless her. She kept saying that she wished she could hear me and then as soon as i moved her into the lounge, she went straight to sleep! She tends to do that alot. Nan Nan isn't helping her, if i drank a bottle of wine a day, would it help?
I'm in quiet a good mood today, just really tired!

mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood.

Why can't i let people in?

I always do this. I always get close to someone and i don't let them in. Seriously, what is up with that!?
Sam is proper lovely but i seem to find it so difficult to let people in - i want to let him in. i really like him yet all i seem to do is push people away? We get on so well and then i want something to happen with us and i go all sentimental on him and on us? urgh.
He asked me today if i still loved jaime and i didnt really know what to say. I just told him that i would always love him and he didn't look very happy about that. I dont want to love him. I don't want him in my life and Sam said he was very different from him. I want someone different from him, i'm just scared of getting hurt.

hmmm sometimes i think people must think i'm so weird. I'd rather talk to myself and a computer screen, which no-one is reading i dont think than let people in? wow.

Life in a glass house

.. and i smash every window.

Been watching season one of OTH tonight and it makes me soo depressed!
i want a lucas scott please.
That will be all.

Why do i do it to myself?

That is the question!

I went on Jaimes facebook earlier... not a very good move! Then i ended up bloody texting him asking him if he was single (his facebook stated this) which then started an argument. Nice one.
I'm rather pissed off with myself today. Been watching season 1 of OTH and it always gets me thinking about stuff i shouldn't be thinking off! Damn Lucas Scott. P.S he is soooo beautiful! I would like a copy of him in a younger version for a boyfriend please? or just him... either way!
I have like VERY little battery left, and i mean a TINY moment. 6% if I'm honest so this is only a short rant!

If i only i could find a gorgeous, non-nobhead, great personality boyfriend, that would be fine! - ha if he exists.

On the first page of our story..

That future seemed so bright.

Today's been a better day. Lunchtime, me ash and meg had a good laugh and we decided to go out for tea. Was the funniest night i've had in a while! I am soooo full it's unreal.
I seem to be okay at school and as soon as i get home, i would just rather be on my own and in my room. Fourth tablet today, i don't really feel any different but i suppose they won't have started to work as yet!
I didn't see Jaime today either. He wasn't at school or anything and his car was at his house, so he must of gone to work - surprise surprise.
Just a quick post today as Big fat gypsy weddings is on at 9! absolute gold.

I still can't imagine me without you.

'Letting go and Moving on' - Possible?

I'm a little new to this and don't quite know what I'm doing as yet!

It's been nearly 5 months now since we split up and I'm still in the same mess I was in then. He's had four girlfriends (one was made up but at the beginning, i still felt my heart drop).
I'm feeling really down at the moment but i don't really know who to talk to, thats one of the reasons why I'm writing this. A chance to get all my feelings down and maybe it might help?
Ever since i lost him, i've gone really down hill and i have no idea what to do. People have been noticing but i just put a smile on my face and get on with it.
I went to the doctors on friday. He ended up giving me anti-depressants which i feel so stupid about. I mean how sad is that? I'm fine.. thats what i always say and usually i will be, just gotta get on with it don't you.
I'm seeing Jaime everyday at the moment. He's got this 15 year old girlfriend and he's always at school at lunchtimes and after school. I have no idea why he's not at work? that used to do my head in.
I know that he treated me really bad for the past year but all i can think about and imagine is all the things he did for me. Valentines day 2008 was absolutely perfect, i've never been so happy and gosh, i loved him so much! So much has changed in 2 years.
Our anniversary date is always a hard one. 27th April 2010 was bad enough. We weren't talking, we had 'split up' but i had a feeling we would get through it and get back together. This year's just going to be awful.
I know full well that i should of done things differently and that i should have tried harder but i make alot of mistakes in my life... i guess its what i do.
I'm always going to love you.


I absolutely hate living here. Druggies and drunks outside. If killing was legal, i wouldn't even hesitate. PLUS, we have druggies next door, which find it necessary to have their music on full blast ALL night! and I'm not even over-exaggerating - the council are useless. Police are useless.
Finally a decision has been made regarding Australia. Dad's going back on 21st Feb and we're supposed to be going back in July. I do want to go back but i never know if what we are doing is going to be the right decision or another mistake? I don't think Gem wants to go back but it could be a new start for all of us?
Mum's thinking about letting Ian buy the shop which I'm not really happy about. I mean, what if it doesn't work out and we end up coming back? We're going to have nothing. And it's a FAMILY business. If it was mine, i wouldn't like it.
I suppose to my Nan Nan, it's just another burden. Another excuse to drink. I'm absolutely sick of him drinking. He's killing himself and he can't even see it. What's my Nana going to do is she doesn't have him? She's bad enough now, shouting for him every five minutes without not having him at all.
She's not very well at the moment. She has to go into hospital really to get better but there not very nice and i know she doesn't like it. Last time, she got distressed and they had to sedate her. :| Nothings ever simple is it?
Sometimes i find it really hard. I go up to see her nearly every day and i get so moody because i just get irritable around her. I wish she would just stand up and walk around the house, go to the toilet by herself and do things for herself!! People say there's a God? I doubt that very much. My Nana has never done anything wrong, she's lovely, she would help everybody and hurt nobody yet she's like she is!? I'd like somebody to tell me why she deserves that!?...
Sometimes, i wish she would close her eyes and go to sleep forever. I hate to see her suffering but she's fighter. She's always been a fighter. I love her to pieces.

Well, I'm shattered so I'm off to bed.
Another day. Another smile.