What a day.

I can't seem to do anything right :( All I've been doing since my mum and dad left is caring about everybody else. If i haven't been at work, I've been at school and then when i get home I'm ironing or washing or putting tea in the oven etc. Went to school today, aggy passed his driving test last week so charlotte said we'll go and put his wipers up and push his mirrors in etc, soo we did for a laugh and his wing mirror fell off when i pushed it. So no doubt i'll be paying for that aswell. Then i thought I'd be nice and take my grandad a mcds because he doesn't tend to eat much now a days and all night he's been having a go at me for things that i can't help. Which obviously wasn't fun.
Sam is still be a dick. His little girl friend or whatever she is added me on skype yesterday so i just asked her why as on skype i only have my family etc. Anyway, she said she wanted more friends? I don't see why she adds me of all people plus she doesn't even know me. Weirdo. And then earlier she starts asking me all these questions like if i was getting sam and stuff. Urgh, people younger than me do annoy me. Esp cocky little year 11's.
I put two washes of clothes on tonight as well and dried them and then i only got shouted at because i put a top of gemma's in the dryer that shrunk but it was only like a vest to wear until tops so i don't see what the massive fuss was about! Been talking to mum and dad tonight as well which was nice but I'm not really in the best of moods which you can probably tell. I asked Gemma to clean the bathroom as I'm gonna do the shower room tomorrow and hoover up and she said, "I'm not the only one that uses it, you use it aswell" - yeah I'll just do that and everything else whilst I'm at it shall I. She's been in scarborough all day and hasn't come home until 8 tonight. And apparently she isn't coming home tomorrow until late either - marvelous.
Haven't really seen my Nana since last thursday so not quiet sure how she is but I'm taking Yvonne up tomorrow so I'll see then!
I'm so going to bed, can't wait for this day to be over!

The day after the night before.

Feeling a bit rough today - Knackered is an understatement. Went into Driffield with Saundbomb and had such a good night! I haven't actually been in Keys before because their sometimes strict on ID but we went in there and then on to Hooters2! around half 1. My feet are killing me today but it was sooo worth it.
I saw Jaime, which was really nice actually. I haven't seen him in ages and it was nice to just have a civil conversation with him. It was a bit awkward in Keys because i know Caddy and that were telling him i was here and stuff but in Hooters it was really nice :) I don't think he knows if he's with Jasmine or not ha but if he still is then I'm happy for him. I'm over him if I'm honest, I will always love him but I wouldn't get back with him or anything now. So overall, a really good night except from having to work back to Emilys! I ended up taking my shoes off which was probably a worser idea than keeping them on. Jaime walked me back and this danny kid walked em back. (:
Went to Grandmas for dinner today which was also lovely. I was nearly falling asleep at the table however.
Happy happy :D

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes...

...some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason, some are bigger like when we let down a friend, some of us escape the pain of regret and make the right choice, some of us have little time for regret because were looking forward to the future, sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past and sometimes we bury our regret and promise to change our ways but our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the thing we didn’t do, the things we didn’t say to save someone we care about.

Spoke to my mum and dad this morning, god, i miss them so much. I could really do with a mama cuddle right now. I've got Yvonne, family and all my friends around me but I haven't felt this lonely for a while. I miss been in a relationship. I miss been that close with somebody that anything you do, whatever you look like, whatever you wear, they don't care. They love you for who you are and that's all that matters. One tree hill makes me think about way to many things and I guess I'm just missing what used to be.
I'm going out in Driff with Em tonight which should be good, find out all the gossip. Not really looking forward to seeing Jaime. He probably won't even be out but I haven't seen him for so long, it'll be very weird. I don't even know if he's still with that Jasmine.
I told Sam last night that I really liked him but he kind of avoided the subject. Story of my life.

There's always something.

Parents went yesterday :( It was very emotional! I tried my hardest not to cry and BOOM failed that one. Feels so weird them not been around. I actually put clothes in the washer today and ironed them! Surprisingly, they weren't three sizes smaller when I had finished! Quite proud of that one!
Brum went in for it's MOT yesterday also.. failed. The suspension springs at the front, both sides had practically broke in half and the bulb on the break light was out. Sooo they fixed it today equalling a large total of ... £322.23. What a joke. The springs were only £35 for two and £27 for the bulb. Tracking charge, which i don't know what that is was £25. Then the MOT was £33.50 and the bloody labour.. don't get me started! £40 a bloody hour!!? you have to be joking right!?! A total of 4 hours.. £160! Absolute Joke. Not figured out how I'm gonna afford that one yet.. doesn't look like i will be buying anything off topshop today. Oh yeah.. VAT = £50. It's ridiculous. Might just get rid of the bugger!
Anywayy, I was fine until that happened! Except for last night... that was a bit bad :| - I got woken up at half 2 by someone practically banging a door down and i honestly thought it was my front door! Anyway, I aren't really sure if it was or not but i think it was next door - druggies. I think they were banging on it really loud and then a taxi came and then it was quiet. But i frightened myself that much and ended up laying in the same position in bed, not moving. Stupid really. I ended up texting Ian and asking him to have a look around for me when he came to work. :\
Looking forward to Saturday with em! Atleast i get out of this house for a bit! Tomorrow night I'm on my own :\ Could be fun!
Off to school tomorrow to get my ICT done, it's getting moderated next week.

Anyywayy, off to watch a film with Gem. Nighttt xx

Changes in a lifetime.

I have soo much to tell you!

Saturday - Went to see Alexandra Burke at the Spa and she was soo good! Seb invited me and we had a right laugh, went into town after however and it was dead.. really weird for a saturday night. Although.. he did get started on by an old man at the spa which was eventful! I think he wants more than friends though.. which could be a problem :|
Sunday - Went to see 'Just go with it' at the cinema with Gem. That was a right laugh.. So funny!
Monday - THE BRACES CAME OFF! Oh yes, i got my braces off and i couldnt have been more excited if i'm honest! They look really good but there not finished yet :| Got this stupid retainer on them and i have to wear it 24/7.. i can hardly eat things and i talk like a bloody retard! But hey ho, soon be finished! :D
I've been at work allll day today so not alot as happened! Car was meant to go in for it's MOT but they had a power cut or something stupid soo it's off in tomorrow!
Just talking to Ryan at the moment! He's such a laugh and a really nice lad :)
he just told me to mention him so i suppose i better ;)
On the 'one tree hill' front, I've finished season 3 and haven't seen ashleigh sooo I'm just waiting for season 4 :)

Oh.. parents leave tomorrow! ARGH. Scary stuff right. Everyone's been really helpful though and said that if we need them, then we know where they are :) Plus, I've always got Yvonne. Speaking of Yvonne.. I've been working there for 5 years tomorrow! I've got her some flowers and a card :)
Went to nanas on friday and Grandad was completely out of it :| He didn't even remember that i had been! He was also out of it last night..

Fun fun times ey!

A multitude of casualties.

I've had a really funny day today. The year 12 vs year 13 football matches are always one to not miss! Even though it was bloody freezing, and year 13 played totally rubbish! It was a laugh. It was 0-0 all the way through the match and went to penalties.. which ended up been 2-2 i think and then Ryan.. a year 12 scored! Therefore, they won. I full on ripped tom as he was in the goal and cal who missed a penalty, which was hilarious! I say we need a re-match :P

We sold the car today, mum got really emotional, bless her. It's gonna be hard but i guess we will just have to stick together. I also went to the doctors... they gave me a higher dose of the tablets. humph.
Sam's totally ignoring me aswell which is pretty shit but ahhwell.
Going out for tea tonight with the grand-rents, which should be nice (: Definietly not having a pudding this time!
Nearly finished oth season 3 aswell! Bad times.

I see you standing there, but you're already gone.

Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.

Why do i always mess things up?

Just watch the fireworks.

Righty..
I told my mum and dad, after about an hour of standing upstairs like a fanny, speaking to myself on what i was going to say to them! They weren't really that fussed about that, just that i haven't told them before and that I'm not paying something that itsn't my fault. I said that i would pay for anything that was fault but i'm not paying anything if it isnt. My mum rang toby and he said that it happened really fast but it was basically a mutal thing, we both reversed at the same time and hit each other, so im not getting the blame.
Her dad sent me a bloody voicemail, basically threatening me that if i didnt send Samara my house number so that her dad and my dad could speak, he would find it somehow and some round to my house if he has to. I dont think so 'trevor walker'. Anyhoww, my mum rang the police and they said that i shouldnt text her back anymore and my mum shouldnt contact them but go into school tomorrow so try and sort it out properly. Sooo thats what im gonna do! This is such a nightmare :|

Been talking to ryan earlier.. basically about silly things and Sam most of the time. Obviously he sides with him and i dont expect him not to. Made me think that the only thing really upsetting me is that i trusted him enough to read my blog and i only let Ash read it when i mentioned that i let sam..
Then he goes and reads it and starts making stupid horrible comments about it. Everything i say on here is obviously the truth, seen as though nobody reads it except me and Sam who did.
It's personal you know.

Worst than the day before?

Okay, there is a worserer day than yesterday.
£270? for a crack in her fuel cap that according to sam and calum, was already there. Plus. its rusty as FUCK and i don't see how my bummer is meant to hit that? URGHH!!! Soo i text her saying, I'm not paying for the crack and I'll pay for the dent to get sucked out and she wants my mothers number for the insurance company details!?!?! GRRRRR
For god sake, why does nothing ever go right and everything just goes fucked up!
I darent tell my mum and my dad will kick off and shes not very well as it is and argh my god.
Okay.. breathe.
I'll let you know on the details laters!!

I can't wait for this day to end.

Went to see my Grandad tonight, he's not good at all. He has way to much 'pride' (as he calls it) to come to me if he needs anything. I think he needs to go the doctors to be honest. Me and Gem took him a mcds ha! Really classy.
I saw my nana earlier aswell, she really upset me actually. She was crying loads which you just don't want to see anyway! And she just seemed generally down and kept apoligising for something - not sure what! I told my grandad to ring the nurse, not sure if he has.
I can't to go to bed.. After the bloody day I've had.
PLUS I can't be arsed with annoying children. (whether he reads this or not, I honestly give up.) Actually, i give up with lads in general.

Righty, bedtime.

There's 6 million people in the world and sometimes you just want 1.

I've had the worst day ever :(
Crashed my fucking car into Samara's which is gonna cost me £150 to repair mine and that's not even thinking about samaras.. There wasn't even that much damage on hers, like nothing basically. The petrol cap has raised slightly at the bottom and all it needed was straightening out and now she's saying there's a dint in her door? What the actual fuck.
ARGH
Oh and to top off just a fantastic day.. Sam's getting with a girl who is YOUNGER than him. Deja vu much?
meh :( :(

Happy F**king Valentines Day.

This is the most depressing-ist day of the year - Fact.
Charlotte got a gorgeous surprise from Tim, roses and a card on her car and he was hid in the carpark. Jealous much!
However, i did go out for a lovely meal with wanda (ash) which was nice! Went to China Red and it was loverllyy! Stuffed may be an understatement!
All I could think about was two years ago today :( Finished work, post-it notes all around my house in a little hunt thing to find a card, a rose, a pandora charm and Jaime hid behind my door in my room :| That day was absolutely perfect.
A lot can change in two years.

Also I got season 3 today.. WOO.. I'm getting quiet obsessed, it's bad.
Sam's still been a c**t so no change there!
Oh. Apparently dentist has changed my appointment to Monday now, which is better obviously as it's sooner... However! My dentist is actually on 'sick leave' and isn't even there? hmm? Oh. also, my mum has decided that she is going with my dad a week on Wednesday. It has been such a confusing day today.

Another days over.
9 Days.

Some people love to learn ...

There's something missing.
I haven't been on here for a while now purely on the fact that I don't really have anything to say. I haven't given up on Sam and I don't intend to... It's hard enough not speaking to him but having him been the way he is when he does speak to me is worse.
I've watched Season 2 of oth all week. All it seems to do is make me think about everything. To be totally honest, I haven't thought about Jaime all week.. The only thing I've thought about is how I don't think of him because I've got somebody else on my mind.
There's been an advancement in the Australia situation - Mums decided to go with dad a week tomorrow for a month to get him sorted. She hasn't fully decided yet because she stresses to much! There's the shop, money from the shop, wages, hours, me and gem. But we can always sort that out, she needs to stop worrying! She'll be on Skype every night anyway talking to us! It's gonna be difficult is she does go though. I applied for a job at manor court the other day purely on the fact that is she does go, I'll be struggling with my car. The MOT is due on the 1st of March and if it fails it, I'm screwed! :(
I went out on Friday night.. I kind of told Sam I thought I loved him aswell.. However, I did actually mean it. He doesn't seem to understand how much I like him and I've apologized a million times :( I got so drunk on Friday though... I can't believe how ill I felt yesterday! I am never drinking Vodka again... and I mean it! I'm sure there's another drink I get drunk from - Just not as bad!
I feel like last year I lost myself and I'm finally starting to find myself again... I just don't want to fall of the rails again! Doctors again on Friday, to either get some more tablets or change them, I haven't really thought about what I'm going to say yet.

Once you lose yourself you have two choices... find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely because sometimes you have to step outside of that person you've been and remember that person you want to be, that person you are.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I wanna be.

Saw him today.. It was so awkward and I just wanted to go up to him and give him a bit of banter ha. Feels weird not speaking to him.
I also went to the cinema which was really funny. I haven't seen gee in a while and it was a good laugh :) I must say, the film was depressing.. and i mean, i cried my eyes out. She had cancer and found love and she died and, well you know what I'm like.. soppy! It made me remember the flight to Mexico, me and gem crying our eyes out watching 'my sisters keeper' on the plane! - totally embarrassing!
However, to follow this depressing film, this girl fell down the stairs whilst we were walking out! It has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen.. Gee totally burst out laughing and i couldn't help my self! - she shouldn't have worn heels should she! hehe!
I'm really looking forward to friday :) can;'t wait to get drunk ha!

Sometimes in life you have to do it because you never know what's around the corner.

++ .. So he blocks and deletes me from facebook? Is there anything else he wants to chuck at me? wow. I'm really disappointed in him if I'm honest. He's the first person i've trusted and liked properly since Jaime and it's kind of a big thing for me.
:(

But once in a while people push on to something better...

... Something found beyond the pain of doing it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

How come everything is always my fault? I'm always the one that's left in a mess and yet it's my fault? Sam kicked off yesterday because i invited lucy to my party so Laura wasn't on her own.. I understand that's its gotta be awkward between them but sometimes you just have to ignore her. Apparently i didn't understand.. but i have been through what he's going through and i do understand.
He told me today that he didn't want to talk or text me and didn't want me to speak to him... So again, it's my fault? and I'm the one left in this situation?

I actually thought he was a decent lad and i really do like him but maybe showing his true colours now is better than showing them later on? right?
I'm so irritable at home purely on the fact that i can't do anything about it. Apparently i 'blew my chance' but i only reacted because he kicked off? He obviously doesn't see it that way :(

Just something else that's gone wrong... kind of getting used to that feeling.


There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

It's amazing how everything can change in the space of a few hours.

I'm thinking so much and i don't even know what to say :(
If i could erase my past i would, but i can't and there isn't anything i can do about it! So why does it always come up whatever i do!?
Why can't that fuck off and never come up again!? Everything i do and every decision i make, it's there. Every person i speak to, it's there. I don't want that in my life anymore but it's there.. it's always fucking there. It's always fucking mentioned. It's always the one thing that makes in a complete mess.

You don't know how much i wanna leave, like next week. I really wish i could go with dad :(
Everything is such a mess. Everything's falling apart.

You don't know how much I'm considering just getting in my car and driving anywhere, i actually don't care. Somewhere where nobody knows me, nobody can bring up anything, nobody can judge me.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

What is wrong with people!?

Actually.. not people.. lads.
Just had an argument with sam over who i decide to invite to MY party!? If he doesn't like it then don't come and be pathetic. Apparently i don't understand what's going on with lucy when it sounds exactly the same as the situation with Jaime? But then again.. what do i know ey?
Why do i never have any luck with lads?
I could actually scream right now. If i couldn't be arsed earlier, i can't be arsed even more now!

Its my party.. I'll invite who i want to invite and if they don't like it, don't come. Simple.

Never underestimate a girl's abillity to find things out.

I'm in an angry mood today! I simply can't be bothered with anyone or anything. 'Whatever!'
Plus, I'm watching the shittest film ever.. not even sure what it is to be honest!
AND my facebook won't work on my blackberry and it decides to be TOTALLY annoying on my computer... Not good.

I also need to state the windyness today! I actually thought I was going to blow away. Crazy Crazy English weather.

Major CBA
Speak later!

All we do is try try try...

But we try to hard and it's a waste of my time.

EVENING
I am in such a weird mood. Like freakishly weird ha. Had a good day (: been naughty in Topshop! I will allow someone to please take my debit card off me... much appreciated!
Had an hilarious conversation with Kirsty! Gosh, i swear i'm not normal.. maybe i was dropped on my head when i was born? That will explain sooo much...
Haven't really been bothered to care about most things today.. to be totally honest, i think i have a hangover... Sshhhh!

They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair.
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time.. Why do we do that?

6 archers and lemonade and a vodka and orange...

...and i don't feel any different.

Had a lovely tea at Yipps, practically talking to myself. Nigel doesn't like me because I'm 'gobby' and 'opinionated' .. apparently. So anyway, I'm sat on my own, in my room, watching 'Crossroads' with another vodka and orange.
Aint speaking to sam :( don't have a clue what's going on between us or if anything will ever happen but it's not like I have forever..
Practically all night we've been talking about aus and if i could go with my dad in 15 days I definitely would. Everythings so much effort and so complicated all the time.
My sisters well pissed me off. I was gonna go into town with them after the meal and she wouldn't let me go because i didn't have ID.. so what? if i got ID'd i would just come home. I'm 18 in like under 4 months and they seem to have a problem with me going home on my own when i do that every weekend in driff anyway? What is the deal with that.
Seb was texting me aswell and said he would come and meet me but my mum decided that i couldn't go anyway. Nice one.


I'm not having another Saturday night like this.

SATURDAYYYY

I shouldn't drink redbull.. Hyper is maybe an understatement right now!
I have no idea what's happening with anything so please don't even question me because i have no idea.. at all.
I'm going out for tea tonight with the fam and some family friends.. which could be interesting seen as though all he does is talk about himself.. all the time. Not even exaggerating.
Ohwell, I'm only looking forward to the fooood! I think i might go out after also. Which could be fun! I think Seb's going out and he asked if i was soo i shall see. Haven't decided yet.
I'm in such a weird mood. Maybe I should go and drink some water LOL.
can NOT wait for next friday.. Steph's 18th is gonna be soo good!
Anyhowww, i need to get my face on!
Toooooodles xxx

Broken Arrow

I don't really know what to think today :|
I just know that I'm getting a bit sick of trying. How come i seem to always be the one who has to make an effort?

It's always been the same.

lifes full of surprises

I'm feel a bit strange today.
Totally weirded out by our visitor this morning!! (post below) but hey ho!
Saw Sam today :) I'm supposed to be taking him to KFC one day.. when he finally decides to tell me when..
My nana wasn't too good today, she looked so down and depressed bless her. Speaking about depressed, i haven't had a tablet in ages! Opps.

I've just put my party on facebook! I actually can't wait.. this year is just going to be great. Can't wait for summer!
Anywaay,, not alot to say today, already had a little rant earlier soo tea's ready! I'm starvedd!

Bye for now :)

What the hell.

OH MY GOD.

You never guess whose at my nanas? MICHAEL.
He thinks he can just walk back into our lives after 12 years and come and see nana and bring photos of Abigail and Paul. I don't think so. That is a joke.
He didn't even look at me, he hardly even spoke to me. The only things he said to me - 'hi' and 'don't go on my behalf'
He's a bastard. I don't want anything to do with him.

For all i know.. he's not my relation.

URGH.

Third post of the day.. Must be feeling alot!
I'm a bit pissed off to be honest. I'm sick of letting jaime get in the way of what i want to do and who i want to get with .. all the frikking time! He has a new girlfriend and i don't see why he's gotta be brought up in my life. If you care more about what he thinks then don't bother with me because I'm not watching what i say just to please him. I've had that for three fucking years and i've had enough.
I try so hard all the time and where does it get me? no-where. Ash said that i shouldn't text them first and the lads should try and text me first but it never works out that way does it. If i didn't text him then i wouldn't see him. And personally, i don't really want that.
I don't wanna argue and i dont wanna mess things up but I'm getting just a bit annoyed now. Things were going fine and i don't know why it was brought up but it was. I have to see his face at school every week which i obviously don't want without talking about him aswell.
Seriously, get out of my life.

You know what i really miss?

The feeling of been in love and been wanted by somebody.

Totally empty right now.

PING

You know that feeling when a lightbulb just tends to go off in your head and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Saw Jaime today and all i could see when i looked at him was regret. My heart didn't sink, i didn't get upset, well.. it was a pretty good feeling to be honest.
I haven't really seen sam today! - i kinda miss him.

We were listening to old music today in the car, it was such a trip down memory lane! Good memory lane though :)
Again... I'm watching OTH.. I'm kind of obsessed.. is that a bad thing? Oh my - the only downfall is that it makes me think about a hell of a things!

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow :)

Made a wrong turn once or twice..

dug my way out blood and fire, bad decisions, that's alright.. welcome to my silly life.

I haven't had my tablets in like four days :| hmm i should probably go and get one!!
I went to the cinema tonight which was good :) Went with ash and saw gee there, she is soo funny! We saw Black Swan and i swear it was the weirdest film i have ever seen in my life. It was rated a 15 - pfft! There must be some really strange people out there that direct and produce these type of films, don't you reckon?
Ash went to see Lara today. She's leaving again on Friday and it made me think about if i go :|.. saying goodbye is going to be the hardest thing ever. Especially to people I'm so close to. 18 days till dad goes.. I'm going to be such a mess :(

On the upside.. I went to the dentist today! What a wonderful man. The braces are coming off on the 24th! I can't explain how excited I am !! Wooooooooo!

What am i gonna do when the last songs over?

I like thinking about you. <3

Is this the start of something new?

I kissed sam today.
Well actually, I was a nightmare and he made the first move. I liked it though but he's worried he was rubbish - which he wasn't.
Bless him.
Ashleigh said some really nice things last night which made me feel less lonely. She said she would always be there for me and i really appreciate that.
I went to see my nana today. I took yvonne up to do her hair and stayed with her. She looks really down today, bless her. She kept saying that she wished she could hear me and then as soon as i moved her into the lounge, she went straight to sleep! She tends to do that alot. Nan Nan isn't helping her, if i drank a bottle of wine a day, would it help?
I'm in quiet a good mood today, just really tired!

mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood.