Captured effortlessly...

... Thats the way it was. Happened so naturally, i did not know it was love.

It's been a long time since i've posted on here.
I feel like this has been a really difficult year but at the same time i am really happy and so much has changed in my life.

where do i even start...
My nana is still poorly, she's in a home as we couldn't cope anyway (not sure if I've already told you that). It's been difficult but it was the only option we had. She's still a fighter though, which is something i don't think i could do, i would have given up by now.
Mums now owner of the bakery. She decided that it was the best thing to do and i think she's happy to have it but obviously dad's moaning as per! And we moved into a little village into a gorgeous house, which i love going home to!

University is going well. In my final year now (time has flownnnn by)! and obviously there is sooo much work but gotta be done! Graduate next June which, is such a scary thought as god knows what i'm gonna do but well see! Andddddd i am now a special constable in South Yorkshire Police :D This has been the highlight of my year as things haven't gone my way with home, friends, relationships etc but I've tried really hard for this. All my training has gone well up to now and i've been let out on the streets! - i know scary thought right? Going back to training next sunday though which is going to be super boring again! Met some lovely people though :)

Speaking of lovely people... I know all of this blog has basically been me moaning about my relationships and heres another one ;)
I met a guy called Dan about a month ago now and gosh, he's changed me these past few weeks. I met him on duty as he is also a Special. It was a shitty rainy day and i didn't really think anything of it at first, as he said he had a girlfriend and we all were just having a bit of banter in the van - hiding from the rain! But he emailed on Facebook and as they say 'the rest is history.'
Butttt... a massive drawback is that.. he is engaged. Yes engaged. Yes i know.. I shouldn't be doing this and i shouldn't even think about doing it but i swear if i could stop myself i would...
He's been with her for just over 2 years i think, they have a house together, a mortgage, joint bank accounts, a life together and this is sooo hard for me. I don't get myself into the easiest of situations do i?
I don't know what it is about him. I knew he had a girlfriend (fiancé) and i was so adamant that i wasn't going to get involved but it just happened and i couldn't control it. He's cheeky, cocky, sweet, mean, charming, gorgeous, makes me laugh, makes me smile no end. At first we were just meeting up casually, and then came to mine and you know.. things happen. But i know it sounds bad but I've completely and utterly fallen in love with him..
I love everything about him. I love how he bullies me sometimes in a jokey way, i love what he says to me, i love how he knows everything about me, i love how he hugs me. Gosh i love him to pieces and i just don't know how to handle it.. He been to mine these past few days as he's had some time of work and i've loved every minute of it and today he asked me how i felt about my ex (Jaime) and that i would find somebody again who i felt that way about.. and i have. I've found him. I can't get him out of my head and even writing this is getting me so emotional because i am really struggling, if i'm totally honest. He makes me so happy and I'm really glad that i've met him but i know this is gonna end.
I feel terrible everyday for his fiancé and i feel terrible that she doesn't know, and that we're doing this behind her back. I don't even know her, but what i do know is she's extremely lucky to have him in her life and to be able to spend the rest of her life with him.
It just worries me.. i don't want to go back to how i was before (with the jaime situation) if this ends. He went away for a week, and i missed him soo much and if he isn't in my life anyway then i just don't know.
I know I'm a lot stronger person than i was back then and i do feel like I'm so such stronger and that i can handle with just about anything but he's like my best friend, a part of me that i don't wanna lose. But there is only one end to this and i know I'm gonna end up been heartbroken :( I'm just trying to enjoy the time i have with him.
Plus side though, he makes me extremely happy and i love that i have in my life at the moment. I go to bed with a smile on my face and i wake up with a smile only face.. always thinking about him and his cheeky little grin.

Well, got university at 9.. actually have to do something as feel like i have done nothing all week! Then heading to London with the family tomorrow afternoon :)
I'll keep you updated.

You filled my heart with a kiss.. you gave me freedom.